Your brain on doxylamine succinate

via instant messenger:

Jacque: kiefer sutherland is hot, even in a mugshot

Paige: poor kiefer
Paige: I wanted them to let him off just for being awesome
Paige: why is it that crotch flashers get out in 8 hours

Jacque: i should be so lucky that kiefer flashes his crotch in my direction

Oooh! It's like Christmas up in here!

MSNBC's showing a power block of "To Catch a Predator" goodness, including the "The Unseen Tapes."'

OOOOOH!!!

The guy they're interviewing now just said:

"There ain't no tellin' what I'll do when I'm drunk."

... that sounds like a lot of people I know.

I'm excited, though. This is great self-imposed grounding viewing. You don't have to think to watch this -- just laugh.

Oh, and these people should be beat with hoses as soon as they walk out the door. I think just normal police custody's too good for someone whose sole purpose for travel is to have sex with kids.

I know the issues surrounding this series, too -- there are both social and ethical concerns -- but the bottom line? I have no respect for kid touchers and they should really get what's coming their way: Prison rape.

I don't think I've seen the sun yet

On Tuesday, I remember telling Nightman (sneaky and mean) that I really don't think I've seen the actual SUN in West Virginia since the Pitt loss. In those seven days, it's been cold and gray and even snowy. And even today as I got up from under my self-induced NyQuil coma and went downstairs, it's still gray. And the radio weather report said rain for the next few days.

I could see how people get seasonal affective disorder. I actually know a couple of people who do have it and for a span of months during the fall and winter, they're on antidepressants because the dark and the gray is just too much. I understand how it could happen quite easily.

I woke up and went to the couch, which long has been a favorite Saturday routine. In my old house, the TV room was in the bottom level of the house and it was so dark and I would lose hours on Saturday afternoon sleeping while he worked or did other things. It's very dark in the bedroom in my new house, but thankfully, my living room lets in a lot of light.

There's just no light. It's gray. And ugly. And the trees are barren. But I do have a lovely view of Charleston's finest high-rise living. :) It doesn't have a parking garage, though. It doesn't make sense to me to have that kind of apartment building that you're paying that much to live in, and you still park outside. I've never been so happy to have a garage in my life!! Wednesday morning when it was snowy outside, I got into a cleaned off, warm car.

I've grounded myself today. I don't want to leave the house unless I have to because I just need to try to rest this cold out. I've torn up the interstate in every direction for weeks. It's been a blast and I've loved every second, but my health is suffering.

Oh, and how's this for a surprise -- I was doing research on half-marathons and found that the Erie one got pushed back to July! EEK! I'm scared now. Officially scared. I don't know if I'll be ready by July. I found a great program online that gives you eight weeks of conditioning and then you start training full on, so I think that's most sound. I'm going to have to map out some outside paths in Charleston for this training because I can't possibly take a treadmill at the gym long enough to do 10 miles on a Sunday.

It's a huge commitment. Erie in July, the Danskin Tri sometime in July (I hope not on the same weekend) and the Harrisburg-Hershey Half Marathon in November (which will definitely end with me taking a huge nap and then going to Chocolate World to eat everything made of milky chocolate goodness that isn't tied down -- in fact, I'd like my friends at the finish line with a giant Hershey's bar). I've been asked what I'll do after that.

I don't know. Probably sleep a while. Go to Vegas. I've always wanted to go to Vegas. I hear they've got a good half-marathon out there, too.

My ultimate dream goal is the Boston Marathon ... but I'm a realist. I doubt I'll ever be able to do that. Maybe it just seems overwhelming now, but in the end, taken in small chunks, it's totally possible.

I've always been told anything is possible, and I've definitely learned that during the last six months of my life. Anything is possible and you should be prepared for the bottom to drop out any time.

But I feel very peaceful, even if it's cold and gray outside. I'd be psyched if I could breathe out my nose, but that's just gravy at this point. :)

I'm not sayin', I'm JUST sayin' ...

Everybody should see this video. Especially if you went to West Virginia University or maybe live in the proximity of Long Island, New York.



I showed this to George, good friend and fellow WVU grad, who did, in fact, confirm it's 100 percent accurate.

I know I should be working, but ...

"When I'm out walkin' I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out ... I'm high as a kite I just might stop to check you out."
-- "Blister in the Sun" by Violent Femmes

I'm so strung out on the DayQuil that I can't focus. I start to do something, and then I look at the clock, and then I'll flip through my iTunes, read TMZ.com, look at the New York Post online ... I'm a trainwreck.

A trainwreck just a couple of short hours away from from a weekend spent on her couch.

"Just because we A-rabs, girl, don't mean we's kin."
-- George, when asked if he was related to another guy from Charleston who also is Lebanese

My left nostril is all red and painful from the constant runniness. And sneezing.

I'm on the phone with Julie now. Talking to her and listening to her stresses and thinking about the stress I've had lately, I am quite convinced that the solution to all of our problems could be found in a road trip like we took a couple of weeks back. Earlier in the week we were talking about how much fun we had in Harrisburg, Hershey and Johnstown.

The Firehouse, McGrath's, Johnnie's, Zembie's, the Chiefs, the freakin' Hershey Bears, Chocolate World -- all of it. I'd say the only part of that trip that sucked was the Turnpike, but as I drove away that night, I didn't even mind the Turnpike that time. It's not all that bad.

I also am way overdue for a trip to Richmond. Paige tells me there's a BW3 literally in staggering distance of her house, and this pleases me. :) I think the next time I'm up to hitting the road for a few days, there are going to be lots of wings and trivia involved. And Ikea, even though I doubt I could fit any of it in the Camry.

And really, is it February yet? I've got Groundhog Day, my birthday (which it's never, ever too early to start your planning for), the Foo in Philly followed by a weekend with Angie where we'll see things like the Museum of Medical Oddities ... I can't wait. All of January is just going to suck my will to live because I'm going to be waiting for February to get here.

OK, I've got to get back to work. I wanna go wrap up in my woobie on my couch and stay there until around noon on Sunday.

Why I love my office No. 183

"Oh noooo ... I've got 'Reading Rainbow' in my head. Oh, there's Pantera. That should take care of it."
-- Amber, sitting across from me in headphones

OK, common cold. You win.

(DayQuil -- fighter of the NyQuil! Champion of the sun!)

Nightman: What's wrong with you? You sound like hell.
Me: Oh, I'm fine. I'm not sick. I just can't breathe.
Nightman: You call a doctor yet?
Me: No! I'm not SICK. I just can't breathe.
Nightman: I don't know, Jacque. To me, "not being able to breathe" is something worth seeing a doctor about.

Monday is my cutoff. If I still can't breathe by Monday, I'm finally sucking it up and calling the doctor, where I'll lose $20 and about four hours of my time for her to see me for three minutes and write me a prescription.

I thought I was coming out of it, but in the last couple of days, my breathing capacity has severely diminished. And I'm back to the DayQuil and NyQuil. In a moment of genius yesterday, I became convinced I had allergies and went out and bought Claritin.

I'm clearly not a doctor.

Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's just the lack of an idle weekend at home. I traveled for something like four weeks straight -- Cincinnati, New Martinsville, Harrisburg, Hershey, Morgantown -- and although each of those trips were fantastic and fun, it didn't leave much time for rest with a cold that developed BEFORE I went to Cincinnati.

This weekend I've "grounded" myself. I'm not going out unless it's necessary, except for the gym. I know, I probably shouldn't even be working out, but I'm on a good streak lately and I feel bad when I miss it. And I love my gym. If you're one of my Charleston readers and you want a gym that you'll be in love with, I suggest Capitol Fitness. I giant heart how it's got great Pilates classes and it's never crowded. It also smells really nice, which was quite different than what I experienced at the Y on Tuesday night. Ick.

So, the grounding begins. I'm going to spend it on my couch watching movies in glorious high-definition quality and working on my show.

Speaking of my show, some very, very exciting new developments are in the works and it's HUGE! I don't want to talk a whole lot about it right now for fear of jinxing it, but it's VERY good and we're beside ourselves. Or, as co-host Jeff would say, we're "shitting rainbows."

Or, like my favorite Demotivator says: "Teamwork: A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction."

But now, I go fight the post office. Again. I f-ing lost a roll of stamps, and I'm still mad about it because I'd used TWO. That's $41.00 right out the window. Gah!!

The Century Club!

This is my 100th post!

I should reserve it for something meaningful, but instead, I'll just give you a picture of a cat.

For a limited time only ...

Thank you, Goldfarb Electric on Virginia Street East in Charleston. Thank you for making today worth it.

I've seen fire and I've seen ice -- just not together

I've been lucky enough to see a lot of really cool stuff in my 28 years.

But nothing like this.

Sweet Ann sent this to me with the disclaimer, "I don't know if this will make you laugh or cry, but I feel obligated to share it with you anyway."

My true love bursts into flames.

Why, God? Why?!

(I should add that I do love that it's a Comcast Zamboni that bursts into flames ... nice touch! Exploding Zamboni? That's Comcastic!!)

I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion!!

The only thing I'm saying about Saturday:

"This reminds me of two years ago when that -- AUGH -- I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR HIM -- promised me up until freaking 24 hours before opening kickoff that he bought season tickets for us, and you know what? It was all a lie. A huge letdown and a huge lie. Like this season's been. It's all one GIANT HUGE LIE and one giant letdown."
-- Jacque on the phone, 11:45 p.m. Saturday night, taking it all out on someone who just happened the be the unfortunate S.O.B. who answered the phone

Cooler heads since have prevailed. The sun came up, but still hasn't shined here. I really don't even mean what I said about the season being a letdown. Or a giant lie.

You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil. I'll give you a prediction: It's going to be cold. It's going to be gray. And it's going to last you for the rest of your life.

In 62 short days ...

Feb. 2, 2008 -- Punxsutawney, Pa. -- PhilFest '08

Oh, and if you're going with us this year, prepare yourself for an afternoon spent at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield where we won't be leaving until we finish the 15-pound hamburger. And then we'll all probably be really sick in the parking lot, but a good nap should help us work that out. It's Saturday, after all. No need to rush it on back to West Virginia!

PhilFest '08 will be my phourth (ha!!) trip to Punxsutawney for Groundhog Day. The first time I went, my friend Erinn (along with our other two friends) found it to be a good idea when at 10 p.m., we realized that the next day was Groundhog Day, the next day was Friday and well, we didn't have anything better to do that night.

In 2006, I took what, to this day, is known amongst my closest friends as "The Single Worst Trip I've Ever Made" for many, many reasons. One of the people on the trip seemed to think that what he saw in the movie actually was what was in store, and when that didn't pan out, he whined. Incessantly. And the other person on the trip (a person I don't even speak to anymore) tried a little to smooth things out but ended up fighting with the other douchebag. This led me to the conclusion, around 4 a.m., that I never, ever should have taken EITHER of them to Punxsutawney because once we got up to Gobbler's Knob, the "I wanna go home" douche decided to get really into it and have a good time and the other guy stood nowhere near where he could see what was going on wrapped in his blanket being pissy with everybody. Sigh. Even when I asked for a group picture, I got told no. Lesson learned: Don't make that trip with people you aren't certain can handle it on all levels. All of you end up miserable.

In 2007, though, it was "the Redeemer" trip, big time. Erinn was back for this one, along with our friend Danny, and to say that we had fun would be one of the greatest understatements of the century. From the minute we all got in the car in Morgantown until I was back in Charleston the next day sleeping for 18 hours straight, we had fun. Where else can you hear phrases like "Scream for me I.S.D.A.!!!!" and "they're made from sheep casings" all in the same night and still manage to make snow angels in Punxsutawney's park and see Punxy 5-0 about to make a takedown? And Burger King has never, ever been so tasty.

So, I'm eager to see what '08 has in store because it's a Saturday. I'm pretty sure Erinn's in again, I think I've almost talked Julie into it and definitely Jeff if he can get the time off. I'd love to get a couple of hotel rooms, a big ol' rented van ... I think we could turn it into a fantastic weekend.

If you want to go, we'd love to have you, but you're gonna have to pass our entrance exam first, and so help me GOD if you ask me if it's anything like the movie ...

Thank you, Benny from Aventura

And they're like ... it's better than yours. Damn right ... it's better than yours. I could teach you ... but I'd have to charge.

I just don't get it ...

I hate pop music, and I can't get enough of the song "Lip Gloss."


Music Videos - Lip Gloss

This song is arguably the most stupid song EVER made. There's no way in hell this required thought, effort or talent.

And yet, Lil' Mama is driving a Bentley and I'm working 50 hours a week.

I don't begrudge her for catching the break we all want, but I still don't get it. I think I'm officially getting old. It's finally happened. I'm ready to start watching "Match Game" re-runs and eating Swanson TV dinners.

Mmm. Salisbury steak.

Treats from the road!

As I watch all of Season 3 of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on my iTunes, I found a few pics I took with my phone from the weekend. The bulk of the pics are on my other camera and I haven't gotten around to downloading them yet. I'll probably hold off until after the Pitt game Saturday.

This is "The Price Is Right" scratch-off ticket from the Pennsylvania Lottery, which was purchased from a machine at Johnnie's in downtown Johnstown, Pa. This ticket was $5 and has four ways to win. On the back it says the odds of winning are 1:4.32. Ladies and gentlemen, meet ".32." I didn't win a freakin' thing.

The sign outside the Cambria County War Memorial Building, home of ECHL team Johnstown Chiefs. For you movie freaks, the movie "Slap Shot" used the Johnstown team. In the movie, they were the Charlestown Chiefs. :)

If there's one thing the BlackBerry camera doesn't do that great, it's live action. I tried to take a picture of the Zamboni guy about 30 times and it never turned out much better than this. I want to drive a Zamboni for a hockey game at least once in my life. I'm absolutely fascinated by them. I'd like to clear the ice and then drive it to the Sheetz across the bridge. :)

The sun never sets on Hershey's Chocolate World. Julie and I stopped in here before we headed to Giant Center. We didn't get to do a regular tour, but I figure I'll be back at some point to do that. I'm willing to drive five hours to smell a town that smells like chocolatey goodness.

B-E-A-R-S BEARS! BEARS! BEARS! B-E-A-R-S BEARS! BEARS! BEARS! Giant Center, Hershey, Pa. Hershey Bears v. Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins. Giant Center is absolutely awesome. Not a bad seat in the place. Oh, and they sell pierogies at the concession stand. Pierogies!! I'm ready to be a season ticket holder.

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished, George changes the container the Hershey's Kisses came in from "Hershey's Chocolate World" to "Hershey's Chocolate Rain," to give props to Tay Zonday.

I'm alive ... swear!

Things have been incredibly busy in the days following Thanksgiving.

In somewhat chronological order:

* Went to Johnstown, Pa., and watched the Johnstown Chiefs. I felt all "Slap Shot." It was awesome. Had dinner at a place called Johnnie's with some of the most real people I've ever met in my LIFE. Lost big time at Pennsylvania scratch-off tickets. (Screw you, Commonwealth!!) The liquor store worker said we could park by the bridge " 'n at."

* Went to Harrisburg, Pa., and checked into the Crowne Plaza where Julie and I decided we could move in. They give you a sleep mask, a sleep CD and lavender bed spray. I'm in love.

* Spent all day Saturday afternoon with Julie walking around Harrisburg, going to see the inside of their Capitol, taking pictures, walking to City Island, looking at leaves and molesting the newspaperman statute.

* Got pretty well acquainted with Harrisburg nightlife. Got a standing ovation from the wonderful bartending staff at The Firehouse on North Second Street for my knowledge of the lyrics of "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)." Suck it, Ed.

* If I don't get a Nintendo Wii soon, I'm gonna kill somebody.

* Saw my first ever Hershey Bears hockey game at Giant Center in Hershey. Went to chocolate world. Everybody asks if the town smells like chocolate. I couldn't smell. I was still sick. I'm now a huge Hershey Bears fan.

* Pennsylvania Turnpike: I still hate you. But I'm buying an EZ Pass to make our relationship better.

* Came back to work. New guy started! Woo!

* My divorce became final at 4 p.m. November 27. This wasn't easy. Or fun. It was sad. And it was like watching a movie of it happening. It didn't feel like it was happening when I was sitting there.

* Volleyball. Visit from Mom.

* Intent to go to the gym, but everybody is hellbent on feeding and watering me. I'm OK, I promise. Hot fudge cake isn't going to make me thin. And I've got two half-marathons to try to do next year!

... I think that's it. But I'll jump back into ye olde blogging game as soon as the dust clears.

Why I giant heart Nicole

Because she sends me e-mails like this:

Shortly after this picture was taken, the turkey shouted 'death to america' and blew itself up. Four staffers were injured. Mr. Bush was last seen looking for cranberry sauce.

Turkey for me, Turkey for you ...

Oh, let the games begin, kids, 'cause it's ON!

My Mom and Dad just got back from the massive trip to Witschey's grocery store (screw you, Wal-Mart ... HOMETOWN POWER!) with everything you could possibly need to eat yourself miserable.

Stuffing! Noodles! Green beans that will morph into a tasty-yet-artery-clogging casserole! My Mom's about to go get my Grandma, so there's gonna be ... PIE, bitches! PIE!

But don't get me wrong. As much as the former fat girl in me loves the Thanksgiving food, I'm most happy to see my friends and family that I often don't see. My friends Crystal and John and their kids, Angie and Mike are in town, my cousin Justin who lives in Charlotte that I've not seen in years, my cousin Jen and her husband -- and naturally, my sister and her husband and their kid.

And of course, local TV. Charleston's by far not the pinnacle of entertainment, but I'm laughing really hard at this commercial for a car dearler in New Martinsville who every year does "Buck Truck Fever." The premise of this deal, I shit you not, is "Buy a truck, get a gun."

I have no idea how they do that ... I've never asked, but I mean, you'd think there's some federal stuff tied up in that. Or else I'd be really, really scared. I mean, I know most of the people who live here. Less than 5 percent of them SHOULD have a gun in their possession.

But all in all, I'm very happy that it's 12:35 p.m. and I'm still in the clothes I went to bed in hours and hours ago! Granted, I'm not going to be ready to move when it's go time, so a shower wouldn't be a bad plan, but then again ... I'm on vacation! I'm on Jacque Standard Time.

The results are in: You're not superficial!

In this week's poll question, I asked y'all:

Which would you rather have?

Here's how you voted:

A mate who's amazingly good looking, but a total idiot. (GOOSE EGG!)
A mate who's amazingly intelligent, but not much to look at. 27 percent (5 votes)
As Billy Joel said, "I just want someone that I can talk to." 13 votes (72 percent)

Thank you all for somewhat restoring my faith in humanity and proving, yet again, that Billy Joel has the answers for everything.

Oh, what the hell?! Now this?!

Rest In Peace, Mr. Whipple.

Is there such thing as a "super strain"?

I told Julie that I think I got some sort of super strain of cold because my trusted ally, NyQuil, isn't even helping me now. NyQuil is powerless against this cold.

I can't breathe. No matter what I do, I can't breathe. It's just not happening. I've got so much to do before I head out for Thanksgiving it's unreal, and here I type at 6:30 p.m. about to take a shower and go to bed so I can make it into work tomorrow.

I didn't work today. This might be my first sick day since I got my wisdom teeth out in 2005. I couldn't do it. I thought I could go in at noon, and I couldn't. I'm tired and weak now from putting on a hat to go to the store for cat food so my animal doesn't starve. Poor Inky. I mean, I think she could miss a meal or two, but she tends to be a far more agreeable creature with a full belly. (As I type this, she finished eating and she's curled up purring like she's the happiest cat in West Virginia ...)

But now, I give NyQuil a chance to NOT let me down again. I'd hate to have it fail me after such a long time together.

Tonight's program is brought to you by ...

I feel like death. I'm not even kidding. Even though I had such an amazing time in Covington/Cincinnati, going on a trip like that and keeping the pace we did when you're already halfway to full-blown flu isn't the way to go.

Nevertheless, we're pressing on and having a show tonight because there won't be one next week. By the time 8 p.m. rolls around next Sunday, Julie and I are going to be center ice at a Hershey Bears game in Pennsylvania.

I could literally go to bed right this minute.

Hi! I'm in ... Covington!

1. The Courtyard by Marriott in Covington, KY has lead curtains. I swear. We didn't know it was almost noon before we woke up.

2. New Martinsville is everywhere. Literally. First person we see at the hotel last night? Graduated two years before me.

3. Right next door? AWFUL WAFFLE!!!! :) Which is so calling our names, so I better get moving.

Go 'Eers. Go Blue. Go Nittany Lions.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

On the road in Ohio

I'm in the back of Erinn and Mike's car as we head toward Cincinnati. We're about 60 miles away, and I've already laughed harder than I have in a while. :)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

First Song Friday (11-16-07)

A new take on the feature -- featuring YouTube.

Today's pick is courtesy of the 1990s music channel on MusicChoice. I heart you, digital cable.

I can die happy. On Feb. 22.

Feb. 21 -- Wachovia Center -- Philadelphia, PA

Me. And the FOO!

This is my first Foo Fighters concert. The first time I'll get to see them live! I'm so excited, I can't even hold it in. I've decided that February is the best month ever because it's got Groundhog Day, my birthday and Foo Fighters all in the same 29 days.

Prisoners have it better than you

Note to self: When you get locked up for something unique, be lucky enough that you committed the crime in Clayton County, Ga.

Clayton prison requests satellite TV for inmates

By MEGAN MATTEUCCI
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 11/13/07
The latest management tool to settle prison squabbles could be "Monday Night Football."
The Clayton County Correctional Institution asked the County Commission on Tuesday to order DIRECTV for the Lovejoy prison.
Warden Frank Taylor Smith said inmates have been grumbling since "Monday Night Football" moved from ABC to ESPN.
"The reason is 'Monday Night Football' is now on cable," he said. "Although it might seem funny, when you have 90 percent of inmates watching something, it is a management tool for the institution."
The direct-broadcast satellite service — less than $100 a month — will be paid for from money collected at the prison's commissary and pay phones. Last year, the prison collected $41,000 from the inmate commissary and telephones but spent only a quarter of that money on inmate welfare, Smith said.
The 226 inmates housed in the facility's five dormitories now have the option of watching two channels, but half the time the reception is poor.
"It's a very routine thing. Every state prison has cable or DIRECTV," Smith said. "We have an antenna now."
Smith told the commission that all state prisons and 90 percent of county institutions have either cable or satellite TV.
However, Georgia Department of Corrections officials say that is not correct.
"No prisoners have DIRECTV. Television is a privilege," said Tracy Smith, a state corrections spokeswoman. "Our televisions have antennas."
The state pays a stipend to Clayton County to house inmates in the medium security prison, which serves as a work camp to provide labor for the county's public works, water authority, landfill and other departments. County officials say they save $1.4 million annually by using inmate labor.
The Clayton County Commission will vote on the DIRECTV proposal next week.

... what part of "you're in jail because you committed a crime and you don't deserve all of the things people who aren't in jail have" did I miss?

Only in my office ...

... can two of my staff writers walk in from lunch -- one in an Elvis mask and one in a Paulie Walnuts looking mask -- and nobody bats an eye.

It was a great idea at the time!

This came in the mail yesterday. It's just a shame that nobody's going to see it under the five other layers of clothes when Erinn and I go into Nippert Stadium Saturday night for the WVU-Cincinnati game.

I'm so excited for this trip! Erinn and Mike (her husband, whose blog you should read after this one by clicking HERE!) and I will leave on Friday and we'll eat at a restaurant you can read about here.

I'm taking my camera ... now that I've got the cord and I stopped being lazy ... to document the action. :)

Because who DOESN'T need some 1980s?

Pretty much one of my favorite songs ... ever.



If I think about it long enough, it's this song and "This Is a Call" by Foo Fighters that got me so obsessed with drumming. I just finished watching this video, and the whole time, I'm drumming on my kitchen table.

I *heart* you, 1980s. Come back.

... Interesting.

SiteMeter is fun.

I used to be overwhelmingly popular in Parkersburg by a CityNet user.

But yesterday, after I wrote about the screenplay Jo and I did, I stopped being popular in Parkersburg almost immediately.

I'm now overwhelmingly popular by a generic ISP in Houston, Texas, by a user with the exact same computer specs as whoever was in Parkersburg using CityNet. They're also very interested in the comments on the post about the screenplay.

But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. It's probably also a coincidence that someone's been on my show page with all of those exact same specs ... Total coincidence.

That's really the last I'm going to say about it.

I know you're doing it. You know you're doing it.

You hate me. I think you're pathetic.

I love that I don't have anything stopping me from calling you out anymore. You'd think that alone would be enough to make me uninteresting to you and you'd be patting yourself on your back enjoying your "prize," but it's clearly not enough.

But until you want to stop hiding behind your Internet veil and address me directly, you're not worth the time I've already put into you. You're spending hours a day on this blog. Literally. If you're investing that kind of time in me, you have time to come out from your anonymous, sad little world. I'm putting myself out here because I'm not a coward. You've never been anything but a coward. And jealous. And knowing what I do know about you, you're justified in your jealousy.

Sometimes, they write themselves!

I got this as an e-mail survey from a friend of mine, and just decided to respond here, so hopefully she comes this way to see the anwers. :)

Are you happy with your given name? I like it in that it's unique with its spelling. I hate it in that people always trip over it or call me "Zhock."

What is your guaranteed weeping movie? I will cry almost every time at the end of "When Harry Met Sally." Sometimes, even the end of "Major League" makes me weepy.

What is the one thing you like to do alone? Exercise. Mostly running. I like running alone because it's' my time for me.

What’s a major fear or yours? Failure. I'm not really afraid of things, per se. I find some insects to be a little creepy, but that's it.

Are you a pyromaniac? I don't set stuff on fire on my desk anymore, so I'd say I'm over it!

Do you know anyone famous? Yeah!

Describe your bed. It's really soft. It's a sleigh bed, which I've always wanted. It's dark cherry wood. It has a ton of pillows and really good sheets and a soft comforter.

What type of character would you play in a movie? The wacky sidekick, naturally.

What do you carry with you at all times? BlackBerry and my wallet.

How do you eat an apple? Just eat it ... I mean, it's a self-contained food!

Do you prefer to stand out or blend in? I'm OK just being part of the scenery. That rarely happens.

What kind of first impression do you think you give people? I could only imagine. I would guess that "personable" is probably a prevalent choice.

Favorite communication method? Whatever I can do with my BlackBerry :)

What is your hidden talent? I'm good at making fleece tie blankets.

Do you own a Bible? Yes.

How many drinks before you’re tipsy? I'm Frank the Tank. It's a lot.

Do you have a problem changing clothes in front of friends? Nope.

What should you be doing instead of this? Probably working ... but we're off next week so I feel a little better in NOT working right now.

Who was the last person who called you? Julie, who's on her way back from Stonewall

Are you ready? For? A nap? Yeah. Pilates? Yeah. Some personal training sessions? Sure!

What is the last gift you gave someone? I gave my cousin a gift for her baby shower Saturday.

Does everything happen for a reason? You bet your ass it does.

What is your biggest headache lately? Friday. :( And everything that led up to Friday even happening.

What color is your bedroom? I'm a renter. It's white. At my old house it was a really pretty blue I picked out at Sherwin Williams when paint was dirt cheap.

Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Too nice, actually.

Have you ever pierced your own body part or that of someone else? No. They have state-licensed people to do things like that.

What kind of watch do you wear? A stainless steel one. It's hot.

What’s one car you will never buy? I don't think I'd ever buy a pickup truck. Nothing against them, but I can't see why I'd buy one for myself.

How many online journals do you read daily? A few ... I recommend you check on the ones to the right. :)

Do you cry in front of your friends? Yeah. Especially lately.

Would you die to save the life of someone you dearly love? Yes.

Do you have any married friends? Tons of 'em.

Do you like thunderstorms? I like to sleep during thunderstorms.

What was your first job? I shaved blocks of ice and made them into snow-cone like things at SnoBiz in New Martinsville.

What was the last thing you typed before this survey? I was writing back to Ben.

Who was your last IM to? I haven't IMed anybody today, so I'd say last night, it was Paige.

Favorite word lately? "Awesome."

What’s the strangest thing that’s happened to you in the past week? I don't know ... every day is kind of strange. Nothing sticks out.

You have a crush, don’t you? No. I actually, really don't.

Who? I said I don't!

What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? I'm fidgety. Very, very fidgety.

Do you talk a lot? Yes. I'm a communicator!

What do you typically order at a bar? Vodka and cranberry.

Name ONE trait you hate in a person. Unfounded arrogance.

Favorite writing utensil? Pilot G-2 Retractable pens. So smooth. So perfect.

What’s one thing you’re a loser at? Being patient.

When’s the last time you made someone cry? It's been about a month or so.

Do you like the rain? Only if I'm not running in it. Then it's OK.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? George. He's behind me. He asked me why I was against him.

What are your plans for the weekend? I'm going to Cincinnati with Erinn to watch the WVU-Cincinnati game.

How much money would it take for you to give up the Internet for a year? Can I have it on my BlackBerry? If not, I'd probably do it for a million dollars, but I mean, I couldn't work. My job depends on the Internets.

Where’s your ideal marriage location? Ha! This is easy! Punxsutawney, Pa., on Feb. 2 where they do the weddings by the Inner Circle members.

What do you cook the best? I'm very good at chili. Mmm. Chili.

What kind of books do you like to read? I like non-fiction and true crime books. I'm also fascinated by organized crime and the mafia.

If you win the lottery, what would you like to do? I'd pack it up and move somewhere new and just see what happened.

If you don’t like a person, how do you show it? Let me count the ways ...

How long have you known your best friend? It seems like my entire life. We had the same Kindergarten teacher, but she hated me then. We had the same sixth grade teacher, but she hated me then, too. I think she started to like me in eighth grade when she realized I knew how to do algebra. :)

What are you listening to? "The Long Walk Back" CD by Just Off Turner that I bought on iTunes.

What was the last thing you laughed at? George, who said that he was gonna give someone a "wet kiss" if "Daddy got his job done right today."

What do you wish you were doing right now? Napping, easily. I'm sleepy.

What musical instrument do you wish you could play? I wish I was better at the guitar.

What’s the funniest experience you ever had at your job? Oh, wow. That's hard to narrow down. I'm going to vote for the Danny Shock Collar Incident. If you want details, I could totally do a post JUST on that.

If you could speak any language, which language would you speak? Spanish. We're all going to need it soon, and I want to be ready. :)

What fingers did you use to answer this… RIGHT NOW? Um, the ones on my hands?

Are you going to save your results? It's a blog, man. It's done been saved.

I love you, YouTube.

I don't need words for this.

Mistakes you make only once

Today when I was carrying the trash out, I saw the bottom fall out of my neighbor's bag.

No, I didn't laugh. I really wanted to. It was almost coming out, but I felt bad for him because I've been there.

He had a white bag he was carrying out. The city of Charleston gives you garbage bags that are black, so I don't know if he was out or just not using them, but I mean, I use them because they're free and they don't suck.

But I started thinking ... buying cheap garbage bags is a mistake you make only once. While some mistakes you'll make over and over again, you learn that lesson really quickly.

What are some other ones? Feel free to add to this list ... I'm developing an idea here.

As I close in on 11 hours at work today ...

My signature Demotivator really says it all at this point.

Old notebook, new laughter

I found a notebook in a drawer today that's about 18 months old. In the notebook was a screenplay Jo and I started writing about a psycho who was going to kill me and carve "never again" into my chest and fill the wounds with glitter.

It was loosely based on reality -- I had somehow managed to consume a nearly 40-year-old woman who thought that I was stealing her "boyfriend." This total whack job even went so far as to create fake MySpace pages to communicate with him, thinking I'd somehow be too stupid to catch on. She bitched about me to him relentlessly about how I was "picking on her."

This probably wouldn't have been as much fun if he just would have told the truth about her from the beginning rather than "oh, she's a psycho stalker. You should ignore her or she could hurt you or me or both of us." (Hey ... HIS words. NOT mine.)

... right. Truth? No? Half-truth? No? OK.

Fortunately, I'm so far removed from that world even the memories are spotty.

However, for the afternoon entertainment that notebook brought, this post is dedicated to the glitter graphic, Jo in Miami, "Crazy" by Pasty Cline, Jesus and our hope that one day, even I will be in the Writers Guild of America so I can be on strike.

New music you'll like: Just Off Turner

This band, in a single word, is great.


I learned about this band Friday night during The James Madison Show, a show I help co-host on Friday nights on TalkRadioX.

These guys are really personable, funny and passionate about what they do. It shows through their music. They released "The Long Walk Back" this year, and their album "End of Play" was released in 2002. My favorite song of theirs is the title track from "The Long Walk Back."

I don't know how these guys haven't exploded all over the national music scene, especially when crap bands like The Fray and All-American Rejects get airplay.

You can check out their music at their MySpace page or their site -- JustOffTurner.com. If you like what you hear, you can download their music from iTunes or buy the CDs from Amazon.com.

The results are in: We heart our opposite sex friends!

In this week's survey of your brain, I asked:

Can a man and a woman simply be "just friends"?

Here's how you voted:

Yes! Some of my closest friends are of the opposite sex. -- 9 votes (50 percent)
I suppose, but 99 percent of the time, it's complicated. -- 8 votes (44 percent)
Nope. It's not possible. -- 1 vote (5 percent)

I'm curious about the one "no" vote, so if you're that vote and you want to share, I'd love to hear your experience. I voted yes, because it's true in my case ... P and Jeff are just two of many. They're dudes, but there's never been any sort of issue that came between us in terms of "should we ever go past this." I'd take a bullet for them. They'd take one for me.

My sister's best friend is a guy named Forsh. She's lucky to have him, because they really are separated at birth twins.

I'm not saying I've not run into the situation where I became really close friends with a male and it got complicated -- I lost an entire year, maybe longer, of my four years at WVU to it, and it lingered on for another three. You learn from it. You live. You go on.

Well, this explains it!

(Note to readers: That thing below -- yeah, that's the body I got cursed with. No matter how many miles I run, no matter how many squats I do, no matter how many Pilates classes I take, that doesn't change. Today's events, however, have led me to perhaps embrace my lot in life, because current scientific research answers a lot of my questions. HELL YEAH!!)


From today's New York Post ...

The Wider Gals' Hips, The Higher Their IQ: Report

Who's a bowling pin genius? WHO??

Or ... what has two thumbs and looks like a bowling pin but is real smart?

THIS GIRL!!

Freaking real(ity) TV

So, I'm fascinated by this show I'm watching on A&E right now called "Intervention." Basically, the premise is they focus on someone with an addiction and then they follow them from the beginning, to the intervention, to treatment, etc.

Right now I'm watching this girl named Cristy who wanted to be a fashion designer, but got all addicated to crystal meth and alcohol and now she's a stripper. Her sister just came to try to make her eat lunch and she was so messed up she ended up beating her sister -- all of this while naked. In a house that looked like a hurricane had been through it and she was just living in the piles.

I don't know, really, what it's like to be in a situation where you have a family member who's so bad off that you have to just swoop in and haul them off to the rehab. I never had an immediate family member who was addicted to hard drugs ... it's all normal, run of the mill stuff.

So, as fascinated as I am, I'm sad. I can't imagine something having that kind of control over you. I make jokes about meth all the time (because it's a HUGE problem where I live) by saying that if it didn't make you ugly, I'd be all over it to make me thin, but after seeing this, I sort of feel bad for saying it.

And then there's the part of me that's wrestling with why I'm watching it. I mean, it's somewhat educational and I'm learning something, but then again, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life blow up for the sake of entertainment.

I've had a rough couple of days, so I think it goes back to the, "Well, it's nice to know that somebody's worse off than you, Jacque." I mean, isn't that why we watch "Maury" or "Jerry Springer"? There's part of us that likes to know that somewhere, someone's having a worse day than you are.

But it's kind of sad. I can't even imagine just drinking vodka like it's bottled water, and that's what she's doing. She's just drinking it right out of the bottle. It blows my mind.

Christmas *IS* only six weeks away

This is on the list.

This guy ...










Is ... a freakin' beast. In the last 45 seconds of the game Saturday night against the Devils, he probably had five saves to keep them from tying it. Out of my long-standing tradition of goalie love, Rick DiPietro's been it for the past couple of years.

Tonight's game is against the Flyers, which as much as I love Philadelphia, I'll be going against them tonight. :) (Sorry, Ang. But the next time the Islanders are in town, I totally need to come over and we can go!!)

That's right ... sadly, my interest in football is waning now that hockey's getting into full swing. Julie and I are even going on a semi-pro hockey tour in two weeks. Maybe it's my Canadiophilia ...

Truth through art

Just so you know, it's not out of the realm of possibility that something very similar to this has happened with my friends and me. I, of course, would be the one holding the flame thrower.

We have a lot of great ideas ... it's a shame most of them suck.

Happy birthday, Angie!!

The beautiful girl on the left is celebrating her birthday today in Philadelphia. I'm unfortunately not in Philadelphia today to help her, but I think she knows that I'm there in spirit. This picture was from her bachelorette party March 31, 2007.

Happy birthday to someone who really has seen it all with me and never left my side through any of it. You are simply the best, ever.

And I hope you at least go buy a cute coat today or something ... Maybe hang out with Lord Hauser. :)

So if you're one of my readers and inclined, leave Angie some birthday love!

First Song Friday (11-09-07)

Oh, kids. If this morning's pick is any indication, today could be off the charts in fantastic.

Today's pick, courtesy of the 1980s Music Choice channel on my digital cable provided by Suddenlink, a company for which I am like a battered wife.

The first song I heard today is, "We Built This City" by Starship. A song, by most accounts (including this one where Blender magazine named it pretty much the worst song ever), that represented all that was wrong with pop music, even though the song railed against it.

For your singalong pleasure:

We Built This City

Chorus:
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Say you don't know me or recognize my face
Say you don't care who goes to that kind of place
Knee deep in the hoopla, sinking in your fight
Too many runaways eating up the night

Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Chorus:
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Someone always playing corporation games
Who cares they're always changing corporation names
We just want to dance here, someone stole the stage
They call us irresponsible, write us off the page

Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street
Police have got the choke hold, oh then we just lost the beat

Who counts the money underneath the bar
Who rides the wrecking ball in two rock guitars
Don't tell us you need us, cos were the ship of fools
Looking for America, coming through your schools

(I'm looking out over that Golden Gate Bridge
Out on another gorgeous sunny Saturday, not seein' that bumper to bumper traffic)

Don't you remember ('member)('member)

(what's your favorite radio station, in your favorite radio city
The city by the bay, the city that rocks, the city that never sleeps)

Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

(we built, we built this city) built this city (we built, we built this city)

I makes me wish my open fingered gloves were here already!!

'Your next wedding invitation ...'

My friend Amber makes me laugh really hard. She sent this to me. She said she anticipates this is in my future.

Give it up, bro

Julie sent me a story from Newsweek online today about -- man boobs.

Not a tasty post-lunch treat, that's for sure. But it's kind of interesting.

Most of us would naturally presume that man boobs show up because you get fat. And while yeah, that's true, it's not just because you're packing it on, it's because of the estrogen that extra fat brings with it. I was fascinated.

Anyway, if you're interested, you can read the entire article here. It's actually pretty interesting, but I'm a science geek. And it contains the pop-culture "Seinfeld" reference to the "bro."

Ten more simple rules to live by

My friend Amber sent me a story today from the London Daily Mail. A mafia Godfather was arrested in Sicily, and when they took him into custody, they found the Ten Commandments of mafioso.

It's always good to be more informed than less informed, you know.

The 10 'Mafiosi' commandments are:

1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.

2. Never look at the wives of friends.

3. Never be seen with cops.

4. Don't go to pubs and clubs.

5. Always be available for Cosa Nostra, even if your wife's about to give birth.

6. Appointments must be respected.

7. Wives must be treated with respect.

8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.

9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.

10. People who can't be part of Cosa Nostra are anyone with a close relative in the police, with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn't hold to moral values.

Ooof. I'm gonna have a problem with 3, 4 and 6 ...

Reason No. 1,724 why I love the New York Post

Excellence in headline writing, served fresh daily.

*giggle*

I'm so ordering this shirt for myself on Friday when I get paid. Especially since it's 'Surfolk' County Public Schools. And it's 1987.

Personally, I celebrate the man's entire catalog

Although he wasn't talking about the same Michael, Bob Slydell in "Office Space" definitely said it best.

But I don't celebrate Michael Bolton.

I celebrate Michael McDonald.

To me, it doesn't get any better than when he sings, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

And, yes. I own BOTH Motown CDs.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Jacque ... that man ruined the Doobie Brothers. He destroyed an American institution."

You call this destroying?



That is musical magic. Much like Ricky Bobby in "Talledega Nights," when Michael McDonald wakes up in the morning, he pisses excellence.

Excellence like this gem from the 1986 movie, "Running Scared."



I know what you're thinking.

"Jacque, that movie is great on its own. It didn't need a song to make it better! It's got Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines for the love of God."

You ... would be wrong. That song makes the perfect compliment to an already fantastic flick.

Play that YouTube vid and you try to tell me you're not chair dancing -- even a little. It's impossible. The power of Michael compels you. You can't sit there with a frown when "Sweet Freedom" starts to play. You'll be humming it and realizing that all of those times you thought that genius destoryed the Doobie Brothers, you were very, very wrong.

The Dead Neighbor Proxy

Seeing this post about the word "vajayjay" on my friend Jim's blog this morning reminded me of one of my life-governing principles.

Sure, I've got the life-governing principles on men.

1. Don't trust a man with two first names, or a man who has a first name for a last name.
2. Don't trust a man with a standalone mustache.
3. Don't trust a man who has, or had (and found it to be the pinnacle of fashion) a mullet.
4. Don't trust a man who wears douchebag sunglasses.
5. Don't trust a man who uses more styling products than you do.

But one of my other life-governing principles involves this woman. Oprah.

Maybe it's not JUST Oprah, but she is the most powerful vehicle for the proxy.

Oprah is a very, very powerful woman.

In token, most American women are sheep.

Oprah puts her "O" on a book, and millions of people run to the closest Barnes and Noble, Wal-Mart, Target, grocery store, flea market and what-have-you to buy a copy.

Oprah says, "Ham will make you lose weight! I love ham!" and no grocery store in suburbia has ham on the shelves.

Oprah says, "Stripes are the hot fashion this season" and every woman you pass who isn't in a velvet track suit is wearing stripes of various widths and colors.

Oprah says, "HEEEEEYYYYY! LAAAADIEEEES!! GO KILL YA' NAAAAAY-BOR!!" and I swear to GOD as I sit here, there would be dead neighbors all over the United States. Everywhere you went, there would be dead neighbors.

All because of the power she wields. Hence the "Dead Neighbor Proxy." This, naturally, leads me to label her as a terrorist. I have middle-aged women in my neighborhood. I'm a moving target.

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not just Oprah's fault. It's her legion of militant, sheep-like followers that are equally at fault. It's not going to be Oprah that kills me by poisoning my banana bread with strychnine. It's going to be the sweet older lady who lives two townhouses down from me. It could be my mother or my sister, who are both HUGE, HUGE Oprah devotees. I can't tell you how many times I've been handed a book because, "I saw it on Oprah," or had a story start out with, "I was watching Oprah today after work, and ..."

But I am wearing stripes today. Not because Oprah told me. Because I haven't worn this shirt yet and I got it for $1.99 at New York and Co.

Follow up file: You're suing the wrong guy, Amy.

Ah, friends. It's time for another visit from the Lou-meister. And now, it's getting even better.

You know how you ask yourself, "Could this get any better?"

It just has.

For those of you who are new, we've previously established that Lou Bellera, husband of Amy Fisher, shouldn't be trusted under any circumstances.

The reason?

1. His name is Lou.

2. That hair is a dead giveaway.

3. Those f-ing sunglasses.

I also learned that Lou used to be a cop. This may open up a whole new category of men that shouldn't be trusted (in addition to the universally accepted men with two first names, men with stand alone moustaches and men who have, or used to have, mullets), but more on that should the need arise.

Today, TMZ.com (a site to which I am hopelessly addicted) reports that Amy and her husband have filed suit in federal court in New York to stop the distribution of this tape.

Here's where I really wish I lived on Long Island and Amy and I could push our carts around at King Kullen and talk this through. I'd talk to her about what was bothering me that day, likely that I had to wait 35 minutes to get my acrylics filled at the strip mall that morning and that my Dolce and Gabbana velvet track suit was STILL at the cleaners after one of the twins threw up all over it ... again ... at the Catholic school fundraiser. Then I'd be quiet and listen to what was troubling her. In this case, she'd clearly be the winner.

I'd tell her that she's suing the wrong person.

I mean, I'm no lawyer, but I'd say the problem here far more rests with her douchewagon of a husband than the distributor. I mean, after all, he sold it to them fair and square as a way to get back at his estranged wife. He knew exactly what he was doing when he sold it.

In the lawsuit (which you can read at TMZ.com), it says that he didn't have the right to sell it without her permission, so when he did it, he wasn't cleared to do so, so the distributor can't legally distribute what they technically weren't able to legally buy in the first place.

Oh, COME ON.

I would tell Amy while we hung out at Starbucks that afternoon that I respect being through a lot with your man, and I understand wanting to keep your family in tact, but some things are unforgivable. His hair is unforgivable, but let's look past the physical for a minute. I stand by what I said earlier -- I'd f-ing kill him. I wouldn't need a lawyer to stop the tape, I'd need a lawyer to stop me from 20 to life at Albion for dismembering my husband in a way that people only write books about.

I would say, Amy, you said that you just wanted to hide out in your house and let this blow over (pardon the pun). Filing a lawsuit trying to block something that probably can't be stopped at this point isn't the way to have that happen.

You also may want to read my various writings on the specific types of men to NOT trust. You're lax in that department.

'Local Lawmaker Punished for Honesty'

So, my political leanings aren't what you'd call "run of the mill."

On paper, I'm Libertarian. Basically, I'm kind of like, "OK, government, build my roads and stuff, but I can take care of me. Really. Just back off."

Socially, I'm very liberal. Fiscally, I'm very conservative. This often provides great fire for debate.

However, liberal or conservative, Republican or Democrat, you get my undying support if you're just honest.

Let's take my pal, beleaguered Republican Idaho Sen. Larry Craig for example.

Dude, it's cool. You were trolling for ass in an airport bathroom. I'm for you and your right to happiness. Just don't be a douche about it when you're caught. Nut up. Take responsibility. Move on. Don't go on TV and cry. Don't toss about the idea of rehab. For the love of God, don't say you've found Jesus. Just shrug your shoulders, smile sheepishly and say, "Eeesh, sorry 'bout that. It seemed like a great idea at the time."

That's why this story caught my eye:

OLYMPIA, Wash. (AP) - Minority House Republicans, already reeling from a sex scandal that prompted one member to quit, have severely disciplined a Vancouver lawmaker for inappropriate remarks to a female staffer.
Rep. Jim Dunn was stripped of all committee assignments on Monday, and will be required to attend sensitivity training, said House Minority Leader Richard DeBolt, R-Chehalis. Dunn had been the ranking Republican on the Housing Committee, and sat on the powerful House spending committee.
"We know that society has moved beyond off-color remarks between men and women," DeBolt said Monday evening. "We're big kids, so we need to act like that."
The strength of the discipline raised the possibility that Dunn could resign.
Dunn, reached at home Monday evening, said he had not read DeBolt's letter of reprimand. Dunn said he had no plans to resign.
Dunn said he already has apologized to the woman who was the target of his remark, which came at a gathering after a House Appropriations subcommittee meeting in the Tri-Cities last week.
Dunn also said he could not exactly recall what he said to the woman, but said he was "sure it was very inappropriate, because I do that kind of thing." He also acknowledged it could have been interpreted as sexual harassment.

Thank you, Jim Dunn. Thank you for your honesty. Rather than hemming and hawing and giving a bunch of "aww, jeez, I mean, Um ... well, I wouldn't say ... well, in that context, um, uhhh," you stood up and said (in some fashion), "Yeah, it's not UNlike me to call someone sugartits."

I salute you.

Today's poll is brought to you by ...

I fell asleep last night watching "When Harry Met Sally" because it was on one of the channels. I blame it for being top-of-mind when I was thinking of a poll question.

I'm curious about the results of this one. I know my vote. :) My vote is a resounding "hell yes." Some of my closest friends are men, and there's no "ooh, I could date them" undertone.

Or am I kidding myself 'cause I'm not a man? Maybe all men see women in the "I could date them" undertone.

The results are in: You hate 'em all!

In the ol' bloggeriffic poll this week, I asked:

Which of these celebutards are likely to die first? (Either by their own hand or an equally awesome circumstance.)

Here's how you voted:

Britney Spears -- 36 percent (4 votes)
Paris Hilton -- GOOSE EGG!
Lindsay Lohan -- 9 percent (1 vote ... I'm glad there's still hope!)
One of those adorable Olsen twins -- 9 percent (1 vote ... which one?)
Can we be lucky enough to have them all wiped out at once? -- 45 percent (5 votes)

It's comforting to know you're hoping to make the world a better place in one fell swoop!

... Oh NO she didn't

Me (at hair salon): Hi. Do you have time to fit in a color? Not highlights. Just single process?

Stylist: Are you looking for something different or just to cover up your gray?

Me: Um ... Uh ... Just darker.

I have visible gray and nobody told me?? My closest girls KNOW that gray at 28 is something I will not accept!

"... just to cover up your gray."

Screw you, aging. You aren't taking me that easily. I will fight you like we're in a trailer park and you're sleeping with my man. I don't want to break a Bud Light bottle across your face, but I will.

Hrmph.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Why! Why ... it's ... it's a MAJOR AWARD!

Oh, and you better believe it's cooler than that. Although that's still on my Top Five list of wants of all time.

Angela, the writer of a fanastic blog I read called "Blog It Like You Mean It" has bestowed upon little ol' me a "Best Kept Secret" award.

So, naturally, since it's a secret, the first thing I'm gonna do is tell YOU.

I'm excited. Of course, now, this means I've peaked at 28 and I'm opening the door wide open for continued disappointment from here forward. Unless I get that drum set for Christmas, and then ... GAME ON!

Born a 10-year-old, but still a kid

We've been talking love songs lately. Namely that Billy Joel song, "She's Always a Woman."

Beth brought in her copy of Madonna's compilation CD from the early '90s, "The Immaculate Collection."

I've been listening to it most of the afternoon. Much like other artists who allowed fame to ruin them, it's nice to remember a time when she actually produced fun things that didn't involve a bunch of pretentious studio artists putting their own unique touch on it.

But, anyway, on this CD, track six is "Crazy for You," which is a beautiful love song that I believe was on the "Mystic Pizza" soundtrack. That takes me back. Wow.

But I've listened to this song a dozen times today. I think it's beautiful. And it's like when I listen to the song, I can see pictures of what the song's talking about in my head. I think everybody can. I think everybody's been there.

The song "Open Your Heart" ... another classic. It's another one of those unrequited "just give me a chance" kind of love songs.

If you think about it, love songs all have about the same thread -- either come back to me, don't leave me or just notice me! I'm a huge fan of "just notice me." I mean, so much of this world would find love if they just noticed what was around them. There are entire Web sites dedicated to this concept -- chance meetings, random occurrences. I love reading them. They're both fascinating and sad all at the same time.

Of course, I'm not normal.

I've been listening to a lot of 1980s radio lately thanks to my pals at XM. It makes me realize how much I hate music today. That makes me old and crotchety, I know. I'm not even in my 30s and I think about how great life would be if we all still had banana clips and jelly sandals and the legal drinking age was 18.

If I had leg warmers, I'd be all over it right now. I've said this a hundred times ... I'm sure I was born a 10-year-old. Something got mixed up in shipping and receiving and I really should have been born in 1969, not 1979. I should have been going to high school in the mid-1980s, not the mid-1990s.

But then again, if that were true, I'd be kissing 40 rather than 30, and I'm not sure if that's any better.