Six hours. (You don't get them back, but you don't forget them)

Tonight I was going through a couple of boxes to unpack and I found a newspaper from Syracuse.

I lived in Syracuse (and Binghamton, N.Y.) for the better part of a year -- Syracuse exclusively for almost four months.

My shift at the Post-Standard as a copy desk intern was odd. My days off were Tuesday and Wednesday -- a real party, I assure you. The hours I worked were just as strange to non-newspaper types: 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m.

This was an odd life while it lasted. We'd hang out after work and before you know it, it's 4 a.m. I'd go home, watch NY 1 (God, I miss you, New York) and by the time you're actually tired, it's almost 6 a.m.

I'd sleep until 11 a.m. when "L.A. Law" would come on.

Yes, that's right.

"L.A. Law."

I'd watch back-to-back episodes on Lifetime while I ate my Wegmans leftovers. Around 1, I'd get in the shower and get ready. I'd drive to Wegmans in Fayetteville, buy a New York Post and eat lunch and read the paper.

It really is as glamorous as it sounds. But there was comfort in that kind of routine. Lazy days, busy shifts, long nights.

One that sticks out in my mind is what came to be known as "Amy Fisher Day."

I love trainwrecks. The bigger the wreck, the more I love. I was only 13 when all of this happened back in 1992, but I remember being fascinated by it. And then confused when I saw what Joey Buttafuoco looked like. Chicks were willing to kill for that guy? What? I probably hit the "You have problems" stage when I actually went out and bought the book, "Amy Fisher: My Story" and read it in one sitting.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I also read "Monica's Story" from front to back in one day.)

On one beautiful, sunny Sunday morning, I woke up to Lifetime. Best I can tell, there was an infomercial I was watching and I clocked out during. Probably for something like the JuiceTiger or maybe some kind of clothing steamer.

At 10 a.m., however ...

A marathon.

Three movies. Six hours.

ALL THREE AMY FISHER MOVIES!!

It started off with "Lethal Lolita (Amy Fisher: My Story)", which tells this tale from Amy's point of view. Amy is played by Noelle Parker and Ed Marinaro plays Joey.
* Note: This has the best Joey. Ed Marinaro puts the other two to freakin' shame.

At noon we rocked "Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story", which is the Joey Buttafuoco side of the story. This starred Alyssa Milano as Amy and Jack Scalia as Joey.
* Note: I'd give this one the "Best Amy" award -- Alyssa NAILS this role. It probably wasn't much of a stretch.

The piece de resistance of this trilogy was simply "The Amy Fisher Story", which prides itself on being the neutral account. This stars Drew Barrymore as Amy and some guy I've never heard of named Anthony John Denison as Joey. This is by far the least memorable of the three.

I didn't leave my room for the entire six hours. I was captivated. It was like time had just stopped and I was basking in all of this tabloid trash glory.

I went to work that night so proud of what I'd accomplished, but nobody seemed to get it. To this day, I haven't found anybody who really gets it -- why I gave up six hours of my life like that to TV that sucks on a subject that's just a complete and utter disaster.

But that's part of my genetic makeup, I think. I don't mind losing hours of my life to pursuits others find wasteful.

But if anybody's looking for a Christmas idea, I bet you could find the DVDs of these on Amazon. And you can come over and watch them on my Man TV.

A picture's worth ...

One of my friends just e-mailed me this picture. She said it was an actual picture of a parking space outside her place of employment.

At least she doesn't work in media ... I'd be really sad in that case.

... freaky.

This was written on the slip of paper that came in my fortune cookie at lunch today:

"It's not the end yet. Let's stay with it."

... Freaky.

The results are in: You hate Ohio State.

In the inaugural blog poll:

Is Ohio State really worthy of their No. 1 ranking?

Um, YEAH. Hello? — NOT. ONE. VOTE.
Yeah, I mean, University of Phoenix Online IS tough this year. — 3 votes (16 percent)
Better them than Notre Dame. — 4 votes (22 percent)
I want to blow up The Horseshoe. — 11 votes (61 percent)

I'm glad to see an overwhelming 61 percent feel the same way I do.

Make sure to vote in this week's poll. :) Anybody who knows me knows what my answer will be. Break out the Duran Duran and "Better Off Dead."

Kids are awesome

My friend Amber looks over at me and says, "Luke got in trouble at school yesterday. He would have been done with his punishment right after school, but he got another day tacked on for that."

Luke is Amber's kindergarten-aged son. I asked what he did.

"They had a play at school yesterday, and apparently, he was rude to the actors."

I nearly spit out my diet Mountain Dew. And I'm still laughing about this.

Her 5-year-old was hassling actors. He's a heckler. I told her that she and her husband are failing to see the potential in this little future movie critic! That kid is an untapped resource. I'd encourage him to heckle MORE actors. And musicians.

I don't know if I'll ever have kids, but as long as there are kids like this hanging around, I'm happy.

How I knew it was bed time

As I lay on my couch thinking about what I need to do, what's been done, what I should have done, I cracked myself up. I mean, genuine belly laughing.

In between "Pull that ad for a story hole" and "I need to pack my bag for volleyball," I thought ... "DAYMAN!! FIGHTER OF THE NIGHTMAN!!"

These two clips are from an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" a couple weeks ago.

The first one, Chemical Toilet presents, "Night Man":



This was followed up by Electric Dream Machine's "Day Man":



I've said it hundred times, but this is the best show ever. Ever.

But I knew it was time to go to bed when I called Jeff and just started cracking myself up when I was singing "Day Man" to him on his drive home. He pointed out that if I'm on my couch almost in tears, bed's probably not a bad idea.

Oh, and just because it was on Flix tonight, and because it's my second-favorite movie of all time and because this probably is the best scene:



JESUS!

You said it, man.

A band I'd tell a friend about

I'm becoming all about bands people around here haven't heard about yet.

I've recently gotten really into Radiofix, a band that's based in Phoenix.

A girl I know who used to live there got me into them, and I'm glad she did. I've downloaded all of the albums they have available at iTunes -- Dogs of Night (a four-track release), Radiofix and Angels and Skeletons, which was just released Oct. 5.

They're very musical, very gifted. Their songs are GREAT driving music. I'd highly suggest downloading a song or two from them. Start with "Simplify."

Nobody will admit to this ...

But this picture is hanging out in my newspaper's pagination server:

The first step is admitting you have a problem

I can't believe I love the Brad Paisley song "Online."

If you haven't heard this song, you need to get your ass to YouTube and watch the video, which stars Jason Alexander, the George's Mom from Seinfeld and WILLIAM SHATNER.

And if for nothing else, for the hook:

"I'm so much cooler online."

Aren't we all? I know I'm MUCH cooler online than I am in real life. My own real life is pretty uneventful. Online I've got this, the show, MySpace ... all that crap. But just ordinary Jacque in sweatpants on the couch? Not all that cool. I'd hang out with me, but I'd probably want me to go home after a day or two.

The changes you find

When I lived at my old house, I was really lazy. I mean, I didn't do anything. I wasn't much into housework. I didn't do laundry. I hated cleaning.

I've been in my new place almost one month and this place is spotless. I clean it at least once a day. Clothes are put away. I hang up laundry the second it's done in the dryer.

I don't know why I wouldn't do these things when I was at my old house, but I do them here. I've been trying to figure that out.

I'm not sleeping all that well yet. I really wanted to go to bed an hour ago but I realized I didn't finish my laundry yet. I stayed in Morgantown an extra day, so Saturday night didn't end up being laundry night like I planned.

I tell you, it's a party a second here on Roundhill.

Homecoming was great. Morgantown is so different and it changes all the time. I remember with fondness the way it used to look and how things used to be, and I can see why people love it or hate it the way it is now. Every piece of spare land has an apartment building or a townhouse complex on it. There's more shopping there than you can wrap your mind around. Where I used to live is gone.

Morgantown's still got its charms, though. The Dairy Mart. Marris' store. The Beanery.

I really could get into a stromboli right now.

If only I didn't need to go to bed. If only I'd actually laid out the paper on Friday. Starting Monday in a deficit isn't the way to start a Monday. But here I am. In a total time deficit.

Morgantown bound!

I'm just wrapping up a couple of things, and then it's Homecoming time! :)

West Virginia's a 23-point favorite. I hope this doesn't become a "parking lot by halftime" game. My parents are going with me (and my friend Philip) and I'm getting them into a tailgate. I hope they have a great time.

Must get outta here ... I need to pack and set up the perpetual feeders for Inky.

I hope to BlackBerry blog ... 'cause I'm a geek, and because I can.

First Song Friday (10-19-07)

Ah, the inspiration for my first "weekly" feature other than a poll.

I've often said that I really do believe the first song you hear when you wake up (if you're a morning radio person) is fate's way of telling you what's on tap that day.

Swear as I'm sitting here on this couch (yeah, I'm not gonna make it to work by 8:30 ...) the song I heard the morning I moved out of my house was "She's Gone" by Hall and Oates. I laughed. And then I cried.

If I tend to hear a shitty song that makes me change the station, I get that feeling it's going to reflect in the hours to come. I'm not often wrong when it comes to that prediction.

Thunderstorms woke me up around 6:30. I love sleeping in thunderstorms so I turned the alarm off (it was set for 6:40) and promptly reset it for 7:30 and went back to sleep for an hour.

Today's first song, courtesy of Charleston's Z-Rock 94.5:

"Best of You" by Foo Fighters

Perfect.

Here are the lyrics for the inaugural First Song Friday (from LyricsFreak.com):

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool...
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holding you...

Were you born to resist, or be abused
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.
Are you gone and on to someone new

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose..
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use...

I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
and I refuse.

Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.

Has someone taken your faith -- it's real
The pain you feel
Your trust -- you must confess
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.

Has someone taken you faith -- it's real
The pain you feel
The life the love you die to heal
The hope that stops the broken hearts
Your trust, you must confess

Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of startin' again
somewhere new
Wouldn't wanna resist, or be abused...
I swear I'll never give in
and I refuse...

Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.

Has someone taken you faith -- it's real
The pain you feel
Your trust, you must confess
Is someone getting
the best, the best, the best, the best of you.

It makes me oddly curious what's in store ...

Listen up, white blood cells ...

I can sort of feel sick coming on.

You know that general "I feel like crap" and you feel just kind of run down and achy?

Yeah.

I have it.

I don't know if I have a fever because I can't find my thermometer. It may still be boxed up from the move.

All I know is this better go away before tomorrow because I've got WVU's Homecoming to take by storm and some Mountaineer Rally to make for the masses.

I'm going to be optimistic and say that it's just the stress of the last four weeks coming down. It was about four weeks ago that my world sort of upended. And I'm doing OK, I really am. I'm doing great, even. I'm just tired. Even if you're sleeping, stress can wreak havoc on you. It's been a very stressful four weeks.

I need a vacation. A real one this time. That's likely going to come in November if I can make it to Sandy Eggo. :) (Or Sahn Dieahgo, for my fellow Ron Burgundy fans.)

But in happier news, Philip is coming over tonight to watch my Man TV. Maybe a little Rutgers upset? He's bringing pizza, which means despite my desire to curl up under this blanket for another hour or so, I need to go to Pilates class and do pre-emptive damage control.

Go white blood cells! I am NOT going to be sick for Homecoming.

Your new favorite TV show

Tonight.

FX.

10 p.m.

You'll want to clear your schedule this week, and every week from now on, to watch both episodes of this show.

I didn't know this show in its first two seasons. I had heard of it, but never watched it, until one of my friends said, "You're not living until you start watching this show."

So he had me download an episode from iTunes just to see if I'd be into it. I downloaded "Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare."

And my life changed. Which sounds like pure hyperbole, but trust me. Television became different at that point. I downloaded all of seasons one and two and I watch them at work all the time. I need to go out and buy the DVDs for home.

If you've not watched, give it a try tonight. This show is darkly funny. Hilariously wrong. There's nothing to NOT love about this show. And it's got Danny DeVito, which to me makes everything better immediately anyway.

Finally, people who see it my way

HELL YEAH!

Swearing at work 'boosts team spirit, morale'

I mean, other than dropping the F-bomb in front of your CEO, of course. That's probably bad form. I wouldn't advise that. That may slow you down.

Reader mail (and Wednesday random)

I'm on the phone with Jeff right now, in an IM with Ben and listening to "Delilah" on the radio, which I leave on for Inky during the day so she's got some background noise. (Yeah, that's lame. Mock me if you want.) The song on now is "Night Shift" by Lionel Richie.

Verrrrrp.

Oh, but there's been redemption, because now we've got "Sara Smile" by Holland Oates.

You'll get that joke if you're a fan of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

* * * * *

But on with the reader mail!

My sister, Ashlea, sent me this story, courtesy of our friends at FOXnews.com:

Woman Overheard Yelling Obscenities at Toilet Could Face Jail Time
Tuesday , October 16, 2007

SCRANTON, Pa. — A woman who allegedly shouted profanities at her overflowing toilet within earshot of a neighbor was cited for disorderly conduct, authorities said.

Dawn Herb could face up to 90 days in jail and a fine of up to $300.

"It doesn't make any sense. I was in my house. It's not like I was outside or drunk," Herb told The Times-Tribune of Scranton. "The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling (for my daughter) to get the mop."

Herb does not recall exactly what she said, but she admitted letting more than a few bad words fly near an open bathroom window Thursday night.

Her next-door neighbor, a city police officer who was off-duty at the time, asked her to keep it down, police said. When she continued, the officer called police.

Mary Catherine Roper, an attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union in Philadelphia, took issue with the citation.

"You can't prosecute somebody for swearing at a cop or a toilet," she said.

Why is this story awesome? Where do I even start?

1. Who HASN'T yelled at an inanimate object like that? I must swear at objects a dozen or more times a day.

2. What are YOU going to do the next time your toilet overflows? Bet me money that you swear.

3. Douchebag off-duty cops.

4. ... Um, hello? The best part ... SCRANTON!

5. Ash, thanks for getting this week's Roundup segment ready for the show Sunday!

* * * * *

I'm starting to think Inky is possessed. Or at the least a little neurotic, which isn't bad given the girl who adopted her.

She's spent the last 30 minutes chasing both my gym bag (which hasn't moved) or her foot. She hisses at HER FOOT. I'm confused by this. That foot's never done you wrong, Ink.

* * * * *

Speaking of the gym, though, I'm still training for the triathlon in April. The last few weeks haven't been good on my gym schedule.

Truth be told, in the days following my separation, I didn't do much but lay around on the couch and watch TV. Then I traveled a little and came back to Charleston and I was living with a friend, so I didn't do a whole lot. It took me a week to get really settled into my new place and this is actually the first week I've been back into a routine of any sort.

That three weeks off was hell on my running endurance. You wouldn't think that three weeks off could affect your time like that, but it did for me. I just have to get back into it and get dedicated to it again. It'll be easier now, and I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Next after the Disney Danskin Tri is the Erie Half-Marathon, so you all should get your posterboard signs ready for that one. Oh, and your gambling money. Because after I run, we're totally tagging Presque Isle like it's our job.

* * * * *

I think it's bed time. I've got a few books that I got at Kanawha County Library's annual used book sale that I'm eager to rip into. I decided to not put a TV in my bedroom so I have a quiet place. The TV is too great a temptation when you're trying to sleep ... I'd rather pass out with a good book.

I also bought a composition book to write down my dreams ... if I could just remember them. So far, no luck.

*Updated* Pimping ain't easy (but for them, anything!)

Please check out my friend Philip's column in today's Charleston Daily Mail:

My Turn: This wedding couple is brought to you by ...

It's a hilarious column about getting corporate sponsors for his wedding and a suggestion I'd made to him a while back about having the Friends of Coal sponsor the whole event.

Oh, and if you're not already a reader, make sure to put Mike Casazza's blog (on WVU and various other topics) on your favorites.

Speaking of Mike, he also had a great first-person piece in the Daily Mail today about the adventure before his wedding to Erinn, one of my oldest and dearest friends. I wasn't able to go to their wedding because I was in Kentucky at a funeral, but from all accounts and pictures, it was a beautiful day and Erinn couldn't have been a more beautiful bride.

But their wedding day is a classic case of, "Everything was going along really well until ..."

Here's their story, complete with a slideshow of pics:

The trolley blew its lid, but not the wedding

The pic of her dad (I'll let you discover it on your own) is absolutely priceless.

The "I'm Not Sayin', I'm Just Sayin'" of the year

From today's Charleston Daily Mail:

State education official says his "redneck" remarks were taken out of context

by Justin D. Anderson
Capitol Reporter

A top state education official acknowledged that he used the phrase "four-wheel riding, dope-smoking, alcoholic rednecks" to describe a lifestyle that impedes student progress.

But Kenna Seal, who heads up the state Office of Education Performance Audits, said he was not talking about Lincoln County.

"I used those words, but I didn't call the people in Lincoln County that," Seal said. "I used those words to describe a lifestyle that I have noticed in places across the country and even in West Virginia."

Members of the Lincoln school board contend that Seal was harshly criticizing the county and have asked him to apologize.

Here's the thing -- he's not altogether wrong. And what they taught me at that fancy journalism school is that the best defense against libel is the truth.

He certainly doesn't get any style points on this one, and to be honest, it's not just Lincoln County. He should spend some quality time in Logan, Mingo, McDowell ... Wirt, Ritchie, Doddridge ... I mean, it's pretty much the whole state.

That's sure to piss off most West Virginians, but you know what? Prove him wrong. Because from where I sit, I can't see that he's saying anything that's patently false.

No new fashion venture goes unpunished

"What? You got on your Canadian tuxedo today?"
-- Amber, commenting on my new denim jacket that I got from Julie

In my defense, the denim jacket is paired with a black tanktop, a black straight-line skirt and my knee-high black boots.

Update: Stirewalt just comes in.

"Girl! Look at you in your denim jacket today! You're looking like a million bucks! Doesn't she look like a million bucks?"

Amber: "Yeah, but doesn't she look a little bit Canadian?"

Stirewalt: "Yeah, a little. But more like Wisconsin. Half-Canadian."

For those of you playing along at home, but are still unsure what a Canadian tuxedo is, here's a visual:


And according to a July 2006 article in Bacon magazine, here's how it can be described:

The Canadian Tuxedo
The Canadian Tuxedo is the favoured outfit for young men and women on important occasions. Nothing says “I’m looking my best for you” like The Canadian Tuxedo. Wear it to your prom, for an important job interview, or at a relative’s funeral. The Canadian Tuxedo is traditionally comprised of a pair of blue jeans, a blue jean shirt, and a blue jean jacket.

Screw you guys, I'm wearing a black sweater from here out.

Lessons in Humility (Vol. 1)

Wednesday's trash day in my new neighborhood, so rather than get up 15 minutes earlier, I just get the trash together on Tuesday night. Tonight, I just finished cleaning out Inky's litter box when I put it on the ledge of the sink, turned my back and ...

Heard a thud.

The entire contents of the clean litter box were on the floor. I'm talking like two pounds of unused Tidy Cat For Small Spaces on the tile floor.

At this point, all I could do is stare. After a good 15 seconds, I started cleanup. I scooped most of it up with the dustpan, but then I broke out the DustBuster to get the rest. (Pilgrim voyage of the DustBuster!!)

I learned three things:

1. Just leave the f-ing cat box on the floor. Don't pick it up because you think sitting it on the edge of the sink will be more efficient.

2. The DustBuster is probably not intended to pick up all of that clay ... or whatever it is they make litter with.

3. When faced with laugh or cry, laugh. Because I know it may be hard to picture, but two pounds or so of cat litter scattered EVERYWHERE on your kitchen floor, after all, is very funny.