The only movie I want to see

Big Ern.

Jesus.

Perfect.

A new must-have

I saw this shirt listed as "new" on BustedTees.com. I totally need this one in the collection, especially because my Jedi Master shirt has a hole in it.

I also managed to impress Sweet Ann when I said, "Come bust a move where the games are played it's chill it's fresh it's Noah's Arcade."

Word.

What's puzzling you is the nature of my game

Today, I got a new watch at Target, because I can't find any of my watches from the move.

So, I got this really pretty stainless steel one because that's just how I roll. It's stylish, yet very grown up.

And it's about four sizes too big.

Oh, sure, they give you 'easy' directions on how to remove links. Easy if you're a freaking jeweler.

I also saw a Hello Kitty watch for about $3.99. I had it in my hand before I went the adult route and got the stainless one.

As I lamented to Paige about my huge watch with impossible-to-remove links, I made the observation that "no move toward adulthood goes unpunished." She agreed.

My family was here today, which was nice. I had my sister here overnight. My sister and I have an odd relationship, but a close one. I don't get her, she doesn't get me. We're OK with that. Last night we saw a friend of mine from Pilates class and she said we looked alike. It always seems that people who don't know us are the ones who say we look alike. My sister's a little taller than I am, she's got blonde hair, blue eyes and a little darker complected. I'm about as pale as they come, auburn hair, bright green eyes. Rarely, if ever, do I get "Oh, you look just alike."

But we had a good time. We went for dinner and ice cream and then came back here where both of us fell asleep almost immediately from full bellies. My parents joined us today and we all had dinner for Dad's birthday. He's a year away from retirement, but convinced he's not going to live that long. My Dad and I are alike in that way ... He says he won't make it to 62. He said he wouldn't make it to 60. I can remember when I was a kid him saying he didn't believe he'd make it to 40.

I always say that I won't make it past 30. And it's going to be in some amazing blaze of glory fashion that I go out. Hahaha ... Likely after saying, "Guys! Seriously! Check this out!"

But tonight, I've found myself giving up on getting the links out of the watch and watching "Kingpin" which combines two of my most favorite things -- bowling and the Amish. You could say I'm obsessed with both, along with drumming and Kiefer Sutherland. I mean, the bowling is something people laugh about. One morning, I actually was almost late for work because I was watching the end of a professional bowling match. I'll watch professional bowling almost every time it's on TV. That makes me ... ridiculous.

Most people find this movie to be really, really stupid. And it is. But there's also some comedic gold in that film, and some of the best one-liners ever. I started it last night, but my sister wanted to watch "Tommy Boy" instead. So, because it's just me and Inky holding down the fort tonight, we're watching the kind of crap we want to watch. Well, to be fair, Inky isn't watching anything. She's asleep in front of the heater vent where it's warm.

When I lived in my old apartment five years ago, I'd sleep on the couch on the weekends. It was my weekend ritual. I don't know why it felt so good to sleep on the couch after a week's worth of work, but it did. I'd sleep on the couch with the TV on channel that was showing infomercials. I figure that's to blame for 90 percent of my desire to own a Showtime Rotisserie Grill and a Juice Tiger.

But the last weekend I spent in my house, I tried to sleep on the couch and couldn't do it. I woke up around 2 and went up to my bed and crawled between the sheets and fell back into a really deep sleep. Tonight may be the next attempt at couch sleeping, because as I'm writing this, it's sucking me in and telling me to stay.

Ah, Saturday night on your own. It's a hell of a party. :)

The bane of my existence, still in its box

Lemme tell you a story about my living room furniture.

The first full day I was in my new place, the furniture store delivered a whole bunch of stuff. What I didn't buy at the furniture store was an entertainment center, coffee table or end table because I figured I could get them on the cheap somewhere.

I found what I wanted, but the store where I was looking only had two of the three pieces -- they didn't have the coffee table. I wasn't 100 percent sold on a coffee table anyway, but my Mom was really all about it. She said that it would tie the room together. I didn't want to buy two of the pieces from one store and run the risk that the other store locations wouldn't have the coffee table.

Finally, after two days of calling around, we found that the store in Huntington had them. So, Mom and I piled in the Explorer and went an hour west to get all three pieces.

That Sunday night, the entertainment center (which now supports my totally excellent Man TV) and the end table were put together.

The coffee table?

Not so much. It's still in its box. Still resting against the wall.

My parents will be here Saturday. My sister and I are going to have to put this thing together tomorrow night or I know my Mom's going to want to do it Saturday. And she'll be somewhat disappointed that the coffee table I made her drive an hour for isn't being used.

I'm like Josh in the movie, "Haiku Tunnel." Josh is a temp who finally lands himself in a permanent job. All Josh has to do is transcribe and mail 17 "very important" letters from his boss, Bob. Josh quickly transcribes them and puts them in the envelopes, gets them stamped and ... just ... can't ... get ... it ... in the mail.

Josh finds every reason in the world to NOT put these letters in the mail. There's even a scene in the movie where he says, "I went ahead and did the expense reports now in case I wanted something easier to do later."

That's me with this coffee table. I've cleaned. I've done laundry. I've put together book cases. I've folded clothes. I've organized clothes. I've done everything BUT put this coffee table together.

And now it's crunch time.

So, my sister is going to get bribed with dinner, and then she's going to help me put this thing together. Unless I can find some movie I want to see, or some DVDs to rent or some other task that will prevent it from happening.

Unless I decide to alphabetize my socks. I've always wondered how I could do that.

Six hours. (You don't get them back, but you don't forget them)

Tonight I was going through a couple of boxes to unpack and I found a newspaper from Syracuse.

I lived in Syracuse (and Binghamton, N.Y.) for the better part of a year -- Syracuse exclusively for almost four months.

My shift at the Post-Standard as a copy desk intern was odd. My days off were Tuesday and Wednesday -- a real party, I assure you. The hours I worked were just as strange to non-newspaper types: 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m.

This was an odd life while it lasted. We'd hang out after work and before you know it, it's 4 a.m. I'd go home, watch NY 1 (God, I miss you, New York) and by the time you're actually tired, it's almost 6 a.m.

I'd sleep until 11 a.m. when "L.A. Law" would come on.

Yes, that's right.

"L.A. Law."

I'd watch back-to-back episodes on Lifetime while I ate my Wegmans leftovers. Around 1, I'd get in the shower and get ready. I'd drive to Wegmans in Fayetteville, buy a New York Post and eat lunch and read the paper.

It really is as glamorous as it sounds. But there was comfort in that kind of routine. Lazy days, busy shifts, long nights.

One that sticks out in my mind is what came to be known as "Amy Fisher Day."

I love trainwrecks. The bigger the wreck, the more I love. I was only 13 when all of this happened back in 1992, but I remember being fascinated by it. And then confused when I saw what Joey Buttafuoco looked like. Chicks were willing to kill for that guy? What? I probably hit the "You have problems" stage when I actually went out and bought the book, "Amy Fisher: My Story" and read it in one sitting.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I also read "Monica's Story" from front to back in one day.)

On one beautiful, sunny Sunday morning, I woke up to Lifetime. Best I can tell, there was an infomercial I was watching and I clocked out during. Probably for something like the JuiceTiger or maybe some kind of clothing steamer.

At 10 a.m., however ...

A marathon.

Three movies. Six hours.

ALL THREE AMY FISHER MOVIES!!

It started off with "Lethal Lolita (Amy Fisher: My Story)", which tells this tale from Amy's point of view. Amy is played by Noelle Parker and Ed Marinaro plays Joey.
* Note: This has the best Joey. Ed Marinaro puts the other two to freakin' shame.

At noon we rocked "Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story", which is the Joey Buttafuoco side of the story. This starred Alyssa Milano as Amy and Jack Scalia as Joey.
* Note: I'd give this one the "Best Amy" award -- Alyssa NAILS this role. It probably wasn't much of a stretch.

The piece de resistance of this trilogy was simply "The Amy Fisher Story", which prides itself on being the neutral account. This stars Drew Barrymore as Amy and some guy I've never heard of named Anthony John Denison as Joey. This is by far the least memorable of the three.

I didn't leave my room for the entire six hours. I was captivated. It was like time had just stopped and I was basking in all of this tabloid trash glory.

I went to work that night so proud of what I'd accomplished, but nobody seemed to get it. To this day, I haven't found anybody who really gets it -- why I gave up six hours of my life like that to TV that sucks on a subject that's just a complete and utter disaster.

But that's part of my genetic makeup, I think. I don't mind losing hours of my life to pursuits others find wasteful.

But if anybody's looking for a Christmas idea, I bet you could find the DVDs of these on Amazon. And you can come over and watch them on my Man TV.

How I knew it was bed time

As I lay on my couch thinking about what I need to do, what's been done, what I should have done, I cracked myself up. I mean, genuine belly laughing.

In between "Pull that ad for a story hole" and "I need to pack my bag for volleyball," I thought ... "DAYMAN!! FIGHTER OF THE NIGHTMAN!!"

These two clips are from an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" a couple weeks ago.

The first one, Chemical Toilet presents, "Night Man":



This was followed up by Electric Dream Machine's "Day Man":



I've said it hundred times, but this is the best show ever. Ever.

But I knew it was time to go to bed when I called Jeff and just started cracking myself up when I was singing "Day Man" to him on his drive home. He pointed out that if I'm on my couch almost in tears, bed's probably not a bad idea.

Oh, and just because it was on Flix tonight, and because it's my second-favorite movie of all time and because this probably is the best scene:



JESUS!

You said it, man.