This one's for you, PattyO!

Yes, I'm alive! I'm doing pretty well, actually. It's just been an incredibly busy start to February. With Punxsutawney, my birthday, friends, family, fun, work, boys and another half-month of traveling, I hadn't thought much about it lately.

But I will develop some sort of update in the next couple of days. I'm at my parents' house right now just trying to get a show together before 2 p.m.! I'm a slacker. Big time.

You're pretty good for a quadraped

We're hours away from Phil Fest '08.

Expect pics and stories from Gobbler's Knob, the ISDA and Denny's Beer Barrel Pub!!

Maybe even ... live team updates.

Why I love my office No. 2,132

Amber: "My sister's been banned from every Kroger store in the country for life."

Kimberly: "Oh, I gotta hear this story."

The only movie I want to see

Big Ern.

Jesus.

Perfect.

Oh ... it's ON.

It has been decided this will be turned into a drinking game tonight with stakes of epic proportion. More later in a live report.

Nicole's here!! Nicole's here!!

While Nicole gets herself ready to go have lunch with a friend of hers, I thought I'd drop a quick update. I've got a pretty busy day coming up in preparation for tonight's party but I'm blissfully sitting here with some quiet time to write, which just doesn't happen as often as I'd like.


Nicole got here a little early last night and flew right into a mysterious chemical leak (or something). They're all calling it blue, but I'm telling you, it was orange. And it tasted like maple syrup. So for the last half of Friday, I was breathing in sweet stuff and my mouth tasted like Vermont.

(Insert all sorts of inappropriate commentary in three ... two ... one ...)

Anyway, we got ourselves to the sto' where we bought ourselves cupcake making materials (in bachelorette-party approved molds ... fill in the details yourself), snacks and for me, enough diet Mountain Dew to fuel me for the next week. We did really well in the store until we realized that oof ... nobody thought to get eggs. Or oil.

... or a brownie pan.

Which we discovered during our traditional trip to Los Agaves. See, we call each other Taco and Nacho and it's the last place we ate at before she moved to San Diego so there was no way we could have kicked off this weekend anywhere else.

And with Los Agaves comes ... a pitcher of frosty, tasty goodness. And for those of you who have never been to Los Agaves, their margaritas are probably illegal in several states, including this one. Holy. Lord.

Los Agaves also brings us our first quotable moment of the weekend ...

"What? Am I speaking ... ... ... ... ... Russian?"
-- Nicole, on how confused the waiter was taking our order and realizing that if she HAD been speaking in Spanish, things may have gone more smoothly

I have a feeling that one's gonna stick around for a while just because of all of the irony involved.

After we finished at Los Agaves (and we'd already made the liquor store run at this point where I was happy to see that for the first time in a while they didn't greet me by name!) we headed to get the brownie pan and came back here where we commenced to bake all sorts of cupcake and brownie goodness.

We pulled up a little TalkRadioX and listened to The Live Test Show so Nicole could get an official shoutout and when it ended, we flipped around the Music Choice channels. Eventually, her 3,000 mile trip and my week caught up with me.

I remember taking a phone call at 2:30 in the morning but I was so beyond tired I know that I probably made no sense at all except I do remember insisting that I was NOT too sleepy to talk. And then I was doing so good at faking it until I heard the voice on the other end say, "I totally changed that story halfway through and you didn't notice."

And "I so did" wasn't believable at this point.

Sigh. I'm laughing to myself right now at my stubborn insistence that I was awake enough to answer the phone, much less communicate. And when I got a text message after 4 saying "OK ... bed time" and I responded, I got "You're not supposed to be up ... much less answer!"

Cute. :)

OK ... time to get this party rolling. Updates forthcoming.

Why I love my office No. 321

Reporter (on phone): Does anybody know where the gun show is this weekend?

Me (flexing my biceps): YEAH!! Right HERE!!

A little all-encompassing radio update (with shout-outs!)

So, it occurred to me that it's been a while since I really got everybody up to speed on the current broadcasting schedule of the company (and I use that term loosely) I've started called "Second Team Productions."

The name "Second Team Productions" came to me in a dream. I think it came about from a time that I joked that our team (me, Paige, Ed, Jeff ... even all of the support we get from Steve, Foobs, my family, etc.) might not be your starters, but we'd be a great backup squad.

Hence ... Second Team Productions.

Anyway, we're really busy lately. And I don't even mean in that, "I'm not interested in working on Friday so I have to look busy" kind of way!

Happy Hour on TalkRadioX (live at 2 p.m. Sunday, replay at 5 p.m. Monday and 10 a.m. Tuesday) has actually started to gain some steam and I couldn't be happier. I'm working (read: harassing them through MySpace) on getting the listeners from The Show That Never Ends (8 p.m. Sunday) to tune in a little earlier because I think they'd totally be impressed with how different and great the setup is over at TalkRadioX compared to the things we deal with at NowLive. It's just a first-class operation from start to finish and I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such talented and fun people.

Lest I be called a "shameless self-promoter," here's some promotional love to my people. These are the shows you should be checking out religiously on TalkRadioX:

* The Radio Dan Show (8 p.m. Monday through Thursday, 9 p.m. Sunday) -- Radio Dan and Intern Jessica. It's movies, TV, entertainment and all of it entertaining. I love these guys. I could listen for hours. I do, actually.

* The Live Test Show ... YAYYY! (9 p.m. Monday through Friday) -- Hosted by Antubert with Tyler Hollywood. All sorts of fun going on in that hour! Plus, it's inevitable that Cory and Mr. Justin are going to show up at some point to rain Skittles.

* B-Dub at Night (10 p.m. Monday through Thursday, midnight Friday) -- A little show that I may or may not be the executive producer of ... But definitely interesting, controversial and, well, it has porn stars. You'll just have to check it out.

* Ground Zero Radio (6 p.m. Saturday) -- eWrestling, a little of this and that, hosted by resident badass Tyler Hollywood. I still don't know what eWrestling is. I'm waiting for that explanation.

* Steppin' to the Bad Side (11 p.m. Saturday) -- more Tyler Hollywood badassness. I would encourage you to stick around for the 2 a.m. to 3 a.m. hour. Seriously. Yes. I just said "2 a.m. to 3 a.m. hour."

* Steppin' to the Bad Side Power Hour (11 p.m. Monday through Thursday) -- seriously, Tyler, you got nothin' else to do?! You're cutting into my trash TV time with all of this! ::laughs::

Over on BlogTalkRadio, our friends at SportFellas are about to launch SportFellas Radio. The day and time are forthcoming, but you won't want to miss it. It's going to be a great roundtable on sports, pop culture and anything else that comes around. I'm one of the roundtable co-hosts as the resident chick in the cheap seats. That and I'm probably the only person who can talk NHL and has a penchant for minor league sporting events.

So, really ... that's why I'm not sleeping much these days once you throw in the graphic production side of Second Team. I'm always listening and learning, writing, designing, thinking of new ideas, reading reading reading, bouncing ideas off those more awesome than we are. It's an ever-evolving process.

How awesome is this, though? Paige, because she's the most awesome badass in the world, gave me an external hard drive for Christmas that has almost any kind of sound effect I could ever want, so you'll have to wait to see when they make appearances. And to that, I have to ask her, "Who shit on the coats?"

But, you know, I don't think I'd trade the insomnia in for anything. I'm actually having what could be described as the time of my life right now with all of this insanity. :)

A little modification ...

The final version of the front of the shirt now sweeping western Pennsylvania:


Yeah, that's a little NBA logo of Donnie Iris. I'm on Team Donnie. Are you?

(You've got about an hour to decide ... I gotta order these things before it gets too late!!)

The latest obsession

This also is dedicated to my friend Mil, who's been seeing some stress at her job on top of quitting smoking. A lethal combination! My suggestion to her was rather than smoking, or knocking over a 7-Eleven, she should buy a potato gun.

I really, really want a potato gun.

I've read several sites that show you how you can make them, but the thought of exploding PVC pipe (coupled with my really fabulous karma) could result in an undesired outcome.

And I think I'd boil the potatoes to make sure they didn't hurt so much when they hit something. And I also think a potato that explodes on impact with a car windshield is infinitely funny.

But check out this guy's vids ... It's worth it. Especially if you're not doing anything. And keep in mind my birthday is Feb. 11, and because I'm hard to shop for, I'm just telling you right now that I really want a potato gun.

T-shirt design is just one more service I offer ...

For Edwin and Co.'s annual Pittsburgh Pub Crawl, because he was looking to outgun Furman this year on the shirt design:

(The shirts are navy blue. This is the front ...)



(This is the back of the shirt. Note the Wagon Queen Family Truckster!!)

And now that that project's out of the way, the sweatshop of Second Team Productions is taking orders. :)

*Yawn*

Today I am feeling ...

I envy that snail. It looks so happy. It's sleeping. What's not to be happy about?

OK. It's not funny anymore.

... I might kill myself at my desk.

Phone rings. Call from my company's "kitchen."

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hey, Jac-K. It's (ad sales girl). I'm here in the kitchen and the can opener just broke. I was wondering if you guys had one upstairs.

Me: I ... In the ... What? ... I don't know.

Note to my friends and fans: I've decided I will NOT be answering my phone for the rest of the day. I just don't have it in me.

... Just when I thought it coudn't get better

Voicemail left while I was at lunch:

"Hi, Jacque. This is Rosey from (insert contractor here). I was calling to get a list of every business in West Virginia. If you could give me a call back, I would appreciate it. My number is 757-XXXX."

Now it's just getting out of control ...

It's just one more service I offer ...

Phone rings at my desk. Deceptively, it's "in-house." I answer it, figuring I'm safe.

Me: Hello?

(Silence)

Me: Hellooo?

(Silence -- I decide to look at the phone. It was a sneaky transfer. Note to self: Peeved at girl who transferred the call. OK, I'm over it.)

Me: (Insert Standard Professional Phone Greeting here)

Caller: Yeah, this is John Q. Bigdeal from Awesome Enterprises. I was wondering ... I'm looking at your paper here, can you give me the number to (insert state agency here).

Me: I'm sorry, what?

Caller: Can you give me the number to (insert state agency here)?

Me: You just want their phone number?

Caller: Yeah.

Me: (Screaming on the inside -- enter 'Sweet as Pie' voice) Hang on just a second and I'll look that up for you.

(Insert 1.5 seconds for Google search and click-thru.)

Me: It's 558-XXXX.

Caller: That's a state number?

Me: Yes. 558 is the state's exchange.

Caller: (Laughing, because clearly, he brought his clever trousers today) How 'bout that. Thanks. *click*

(I start hitting my head off my desk. To my dismay, I'm still conscious.)

Why I love my sister No. 3,298

My sister got this today as a gift from a co-worker and she immediately sent it in a text message to us with the message of "This is the best present ever!"

Yes, that's a shocker shot glass.

Yes, that's my family, everybody. These ... are MY kinda people. :)

I love this freakin' paper!

Fake Jessica "roots" for the Cowboys, in an elaborate jinx hatched by the Post to help the Giants. Tony Romo tends to preform poorly with a Blonde singing girlfriend in attendance at one of his games.

The New York Post ... serious Giants fans. So much so that they put a fake Jessica Simpson at the Giants-Cowboys game yesterday.

'Boys Seeing Double: Post's 'Jess' Helps Giants KO Dallas

That might be enough to make the Giants my new favorite team.

Punt. Pass. Kick right in the sack. Repeat.

It seems like West Virginia University's being hit over and over and over again with a tube sock full of quarters. I mean, one more good, solid whack to the daddy box and I'm not sure they're gonna be able to get up.

Today's "House of the Rising Sun" watch brought to you by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (and complete with supporting documents available on the home page):

WVU e-mails on degree opened
Show president's chief of staff directed response to M.B.A. queries

... And the hits just keep on' coming!

And, if that's not enough for you, enjoy this column by a CBS Sports writer who managed to call Gov. Joe Manchin a "jock-sniffing meddler."

Absurd, comical, over the top: Hey, if the Gov fits ...

I mean, at least Hawaii's governor took it up the tailpipe, too.

Since everybody's got one these days ...

I just found out from my alma mater that I've been awarded a master's degree!

Now, before everybody gets excited, it's one I definitely, without question, undeniably have earned.

Today, I can proudly hang my diploma for a Master of Passive-Aggressive.

Don't think that just anybody has the street smarts to make this happen! You have to work hard to pull something like this off. Long hours. Dedication to the cause. A will like you've never seen.

My capstone course has been in Sidebar. For those of you uneducated about what Sidebar is, take a look at that cell phone you have sitting on your desk. See that little button on the side? When the phone rings, you push it. The caller then gets shuttled to voice mail. In the parlance of our times, this is known as "sidebarring" someone.

To mix it up a little, you also can just NOT answer the phone. Then the person gets to believe that you're sitting there watching the phone ring, consciously deciding to NOT answer the phone ... or are you? You could be away from your desk. You could be in a meeting. You could be sleeping. You could be in the shower. You could be at Sheetz. (And if you're at Sheetz, you don't know how lucky you are. Bastards. Sigh.)

So, rather than go off on the douchebag pissing me off, I just don't answer the phone. This is my way of signaling to the douchebag that I'm pissed off, thereby requiring the douchebag to (if inclined) take extra effort to find out what possibly could have upset me.

Sidebar is closely related to the course of "How to Answer In Two Words or Less," another class in which I excelled. This, I've found, is the most effective way to communicate your anger with someone in a passive-aggressive way. After all, there's no better way to say everything and nothing all at the same time by answering, "What's wrong? Are you alright?" with ... "I'm fine."

Or, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

We'll all be getting together to celebrate my master's degree now that it's finished, but I'm not going to tell anybody where it is and what time. And then when you don't show up, rather than tell you I'm angry, I just won't answer the phone.

A new must-have

I saw this shirt listed as "new" on BustedTees.com. I totally need this one in the collection, especially because my Jedi Master shirt has a hole in it.

I also managed to impress Sweet Ann when I said, "Come bust a move where the games are played it's chill it's fresh it's Noah's Arcade."

Word.