Since everybody's got one these days ...

I just found out from my alma mater that I've been awarded a master's degree!

Now, before everybody gets excited, it's one I definitely, without question, undeniably have earned.

Today, I can proudly hang my diploma for a Master of Passive-Aggressive.

Don't think that just anybody has the street smarts to make this happen! You have to work hard to pull something like this off. Long hours. Dedication to the cause. A will like you've never seen.

My capstone course has been in Sidebar. For those of you uneducated about what Sidebar is, take a look at that cell phone you have sitting on your desk. See that little button on the side? When the phone rings, you push it. The caller then gets shuttled to voice mail. In the parlance of our times, this is known as "sidebarring" someone.

To mix it up a little, you also can just NOT answer the phone. Then the person gets to believe that you're sitting there watching the phone ring, consciously deciding to NOT answer the phone ... or are you? You could be away from your desk. You could be in a meeting. You could be sleeping. You could be in the shower. You could be at Sheetz. (And if you're at Sheetz, you don't know how lucky you are. Bastards. Sigh.)

So, rather than go off on the douchebag pissing me off, I just don't answer the phone. This is my way of signaling to the douchebag that I'm pissed off, thereby requiring the douchebag to (if inclined) take extra effort to find out what possibly could have upset me.

Sidebar is closely related to the course of "How to Answer In Two Words or Less," another class in which I excelled. This, I've found, is the most effective way to communicate your anger with someone in a passive-aggressive way. After all, there's no better way to say everything and nothing all at the same time by answering, "What's wrong? Are you alright?" with ... "I'm fine."

Or, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

We'll all be getting together to celebrate my master's degree now that it's finished, but I'm not going to tell anybody where it is and what time. And then when you don't show up, rather than tell you I'm angry, I just won't answer the phone.