Sure, I've got the life-governing principles on men.
1. Don't trust a man with two first names, or a man who has a first name for a last name.
2. Don't trust a man with a standalone mustache.
3. Don't trust a man who has, or had (and found it to be the pinnacle of fashion) a mullet.
4. Don't trust a man who wears douchebag sunglasses.
5. Don't trust a man who uses more styling products than you do.
But one of my other life-governing principles involves this woman. Oprah.
Maybe it's not JUST Oprah, but she is the most powerful vehicle for the proxy.Oprah is a very, very powerful woman.
In token, most American women are sheep.
Oprah puts her "O" on a book, and millions of people run to the closest Barnes and Noble, Wal-Mart, Target, grocery store, flea market and what-have-you to buy a copy.
Oprah says, "Ham will make you lose weight! I love ham!" and no grocery store in suburbia has ham on the shelves.
Oprah says, "Stripes are the hot fashion this season" and every woman you pass who isn't in a velvet track suit is wearing stripes of various widths and colors.
Oprah says, "HEEEEEYYYYY! LAAAADIEEEES!! GO KILL YA' NAAAAAY-BOR!!" and I swear to GOD as I sit here, there would be dead neighbors all over the United States. Everywhere you went, there would be dead neighbors.
All because of the power she wields. Hence the "Dead Neighbor Proxy." This, naturally, leads me to label her as a terrorist. I have middle-aged women in my neighborhood. I'm a moving target.
Don't get me wrong, though. It's not just Oprah's fault. It's her legion of militant, sheep-like followers that are equally at fault. It's not going to be Oprah that kills me by poisoning my banana bread with strychnine. It's going to be the sweet older lady who lives two townhouses down from me. It could be my mother or my sister, who are both HUGE, HUGE Oprah devotees. I can't tell you how many times I've been handed a book because, "I saw it on Oprah," or had a story start out with, "I was watching Oprah today after work, and ..."
But I am wearing stripes today. Not because Oprah told me. Because I haven't worn this shirt yet and I got it for $1.99 at New York and Co.
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From The Onion:
HICAGO, IL–With nearly three weeks having passed since talk-show host Oprah Winfrey last issued an official command, approximately 60 million Oprah Winfrey Show viewers are on standby, stationed in front of their television sets and patiently awaiting further instructions from their leader.
"We must be patient with Oprah," said Winfrey fan Melanie Leupke, 44, of Stillwater, OK. "Ours is not to question why she is taking so long. When the time is right and we are needed again, Oprah will tell us what to do."
Across the U.S., Oprah viewers' anticipation for new Winfrey directives is reaching a fever pitch. In Winfrey's home base of Chicago, throngs of fans gather outside her Harpo Studios headquarters around the clock, maintaining their silent, faithful vigil. Though the city's streets are quiet, a palpable sense of expectation fills the air.
"What book should I read? What low-fat lemon-bread recipes should I use? What made-for-TV movies should I watch to give me a sense of empowerment?" asked Pamela Kolb, a Mundelein, IL, homemaker and one of the approximately 13,000 Oprah viewers huddled outside her studio. "In these complex times, it can be frightening to have to go three weeks without any guidance from a television personality. But we must remain true to Oprah's vision. Our duty is to stay focused and on full alert until new orders are issued."
"Oprah will not let us down. I know this much is true," said fan Jamiqua Hudson, clutching a copy of the Wally Lamb best-seller I Know This Much Is True, the latest Oprah's Book Club selection and the last item Oprah fans were commanded to buy before the three-week directive drought began. "She will not leave us to make decisions for ourselves. I have faith in her."
HOLY CRAP! I haven't ever seen that, but it comforts me to know The Onion and I are on the same page in terms of knowing who the real No. 1 threat to America is.
And it's NOT BEARS.
Oprah and I have been enemies for years.
Me too, Lou. We have a hate history.
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