I'm just thinking out loud ...

... Me again!

2008-08-04T12:28:00.003-04:00

Hey, you ... The one that still looks here! Yes! You.

The blog can be found right here, now hosted at its own domain and now with 32.6 percent more awesome.

girlofwords.com -- On air. Online. On demand.

Moving sale. Nothing must go!

2008-03-30T20:04:00.003-04:00

I'm breaking up with Blogger for a while. I'm hoping much like my friend Jim, a change in scenery brings about a change in will because right now, I've got no will.

Visit us here:

On air. Online. On demand.

If I forgot you on my blogroll, holla. I'll throw it up there. :)

You've missed a lot. I've missed a lot. And that's my fault.

So it's NOT just cleverly hidden state workers

2008-03-03T10:39:00.003-05:00

Sorry to pick on you again, state employees. You're my favorite target because both my mother and my sister are state employees. They get to stay home when the weather gets bad and they have three months in the summer to watch "Maury" reruns and go to the pool while I spend another 50 hours a week winning bread. They also have an undetermined number of holidays they get off from work. Who knew this state honored the spotted owl? I didn't.

"You are NOT the father."

Again?!

So, today, I learned on CNN.com that about one-third of us sleep at work.

Survey: One-third of workers catching zzz's on job

I'm in the two-thirds that don't. Mostly because I've never figured out exactly how to pull it off and still keep my job. I can admit to times, though, where I've lost 15 minutes just spacing out. Maybe that's sleeping. But I know that at least twice in the past year, I've put my head in my hands to look DOWN at a piece of paper that I needed and *poof* ... there just went 30 minutes.

Maybe it's because I have a woobie. And a heater. And when I get a woobie and a heater, it's a bad combination. I'm wearing the woobie. I have the heater on. I bet I could lose 30 minutes right ... now ...

Two separate, yet equal, things that have just pissed me right off so far today

2008-02-29T10:01:00.010-05:00

Lemme ask you something ... And be honest. I could be crazy, here.

Does this offend you?

That's a picture of a sign from an advertising campaign by Sheetz, which is a Pennsylvania-based convenience store chain.

Crispy frickin' chicken!

Pretty harmless, right? Maybe even a little funny?

Not according to one guy. And as we all know, ONE guy is enough to ruin even the best party.

Frickin' ads catch more than attention

OK, in the interest of full disclosure, I don't like Sheetz.

I freaking LOVE it.

If the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania would allow me to enter into marriage with Sheetz, it easily would become my second husband. Any man who entertains dating me is made aware, up front, that they're No. 2 in my heart to Sheetz. And God help him if we don't stop at Sheetz if we pass one along the way on a road trip. Deal breaker. It's over. You're out.

I've actually go so far as to map out routes BASED on where you can find ... a Sheetz.

As Sweet Ann pointed out this morning, when one of our friends on the Groundhog Day trip got sick from her Sheetz sandwich, I actually said, "If I ever got sick from something I ate at Sheetz, I'd apologize to Sheetz for being weak."

But, really, that's not the point here. The point?

Let me use this to set it up and drive it home.

It's too close to a certain four-letter-word that Sherri and Michael Sucec used to use before they were saved, a word that commonly means having sex. When the Sucecs noticed the Sheetz billboard in Derry Twp., they called and wrote their complaints to Sheetz.

"If we have any sanity left in the United States of America, this is totally unacceptable," Michael Sucec told the Derry Twp. supervisors Tuesday night, speaking with the Bible on his podium. He appealed to the supervisors' sensibilities, hoping they would help remove the billboard.

No, Michael. If we have any sanity left in the United States of America, people like you will SHUT YOUR FRICKIN' MOUTH. If we have any sanity left in the United States, we stop throwing hissy fits every time something doesn't fall within the neat packaging our moral compass fits inside.

It isn't like you've got a naked chick covering herself in wing sauce to get you to eat this sandwich, people. It isn't like they used the mother of all curse words that starts with an F. It isn't like they're making sweet, passionate love to a piece of breaded poultry. No wang was harmed, or seen, in the making of his ad.

Really, Michael? Everything that's wrong morally in this world and you're taking umbrage with "frickin'"?

You don't like the billboard? Ignore it. Accept it for the temporary medium it is. In fact, Michael, you've totally done exactly what marketing geniuses at Sheetz would hope -- by you BITCHING and WHINING like a vadge, you got your name in the paper. Congratulations. You also helped Sheetz get people into their stores to see what the big frickin' deal is.

And, as my hero Paul Harvey would say, Page Two:

I have a giant, crippling fear of public marriage proposals. I mean, even thinking about it to write this blog is causing hives to break out on my right arm. I wish I was kidding about this, because hives are amazingly unsexy.

I didn't know this little factoid, but apparently on Leap Day (which for those of you playing along at home, is today) women have the right to ask their special dude to marry them.

Why in God's name you need a "special" day to make this happen is beyond me. Maybe it's because I don't think like a typical woman. I think that if I was in love with someone enough that I wanted to marry them, in my low-key way I'd be like, "Hey, I just saw that 'Ghostbusters' is on at 8 and 'Ghostbusters II' is on at 10! Badass!! You know what else would be awesome? If you'd marry me."

I don't think I'd ever get to that point, though. Most men I know are so protective of that kind of moment that I wouldn't want to take it from them. And besides, to beat a trendy new adage into the ground, if I was dating a man for a long, extended period of time and he hadn't addressed it, I'd be willing to believe that he's "just not that into me."

Some people aren't into marriage, and I'm 100 percent in favor of that. Clearly, I'm no example of "how-to" when it comes to the marriage department. Some of the happiest, most functional couples I know have been together years and years and never got married. I can't say I'll ever get married again. That doesn't mean that I won't fall in love and spend the rest of my life with someone -- it means that I'll never again feel the need to take it to that "formalization" step.

But this girl ... oof. She not only felt the need to drive it to that step, but do it in a really, really public manner.

Hey, Sean: Will You Marry Me?

You don't get much more public than the New York Daily News with its circulation well over a million. And you don't get much more public than a followup appearance on "The Today Show."

Which, for your viewing pleasure, by the way:

Am I the only person who senses his visible, rampant discomfort? He's so uncomfortable it's like he's sitting with a hot metal poker going straight in the back door. He may as well have worn a sandwich board that said, "I had no choice but to say yes."

She's oblivious to his suffering right now. This was at 7:45 a.m. I can guarantee now, almost three hours later, she's well aware of it.

To use a phrase I use often, "This will not end well."

Why would you put someone through this? I'm for creative proposals and all, but not in front of millions of people. I guess I'm a traditionalist in that I think that's a really private moment.

I'm really mad at this woman. Not good form, Marina. Not good form at all.

I know, I'm woefully behind.

2008-02-28T21:34:00.002-05:00

Here's a basic rundown ... Things have been crazy and I haven't had much time to even catch my breath lately.

When I was in Philadelphia last week, Ang reminded me that I provided her a much-needed break during some harsh work days. It's been stuck in my head since.

You put these things out here and you never really know if anybody's reading it and then someone sends a message like Patty, or asks like Jim or says they miss it like Angie did.

So, I promise here to make a more concerted effort. I even put it in my planner for tomorrow because I'm an uber-geek and I live for planning.

Thank you if you've stuck with me ... those of you who are closest to me know I'm going through a lot of changes right now and it's both really fun and exiting and really overwhelming at the same time. :)

So, I'll get some pics ready and resume my regular schedule tomorrow.

This one's for you, PattyO!

2008-02-17T09:55:00.004-05:00

Yes, I'm alive! I'm doing pretty well, actually. It's just been an incredibly busy start to February. With Punxsutawney, my birthday, friends, family, fun, work, boys and another half-month of traveling, I hadn't thought much about it lately.

But I will develop some sort of update in the next couple of days. I'm at my parents' house right now just trying to get a show together before 2 p.m.! I'm a slacker. Big time.

You're pretty good for a quadraped

2008-02-01T08:59:00.000-05:00

We're hours away from Phil Fest '08.

Expect pics and stories from Gobbler's Knob, the ISDA and Denny's Beer Barrel Pub!!

Maybe even ... live team updates.

Why I love my office No. 2,132

2008-01-29T10:47:00.000-05:00

Amber: "My sister's been banned from every Kroger store in the country for life."

Kimberly: "Oh, I gotta hear this story."

The only movie I want to see

2008-01-28T13:41:00.000-05:00

Big Ern.

Jesus.

Perfect.

Oh ... it's ON.

2008-01-26T14:26:00.000-05:00

It has been decided this will be turned into a drinking game tonight with stakes of epic proportion. More later in a live report.

Nicole's here!! Nicole's here!!

2008-01-26T11:06:00.000-05:00

While Nicole gets herself ready to go have lunch with a friend of hers, I thought I'd drop a quick update. I've got a pretty busy day coming up in preparation for tonight's party but I'm blissfully sitting here with some quiet time to write, which just doesn't happen as often as I'd like.

Nicole got here a little early last night and flew right into a mysterious chemical leak (or something). They're all calling it blue, but I'm telling you, it was orange. And it tasted like maple syrup. So for the last half of Friday, I was breathing in sweet stuff and my mouth tasted like Vermont.

(Insert all sorts of inappropriate commentary in three ... two ... one ...)

Anyway, we got ourselves to the sto' where we bought ourselves cupcake making materials (in bachelorette-party approved molds ... fill in the details yourself), snacks and for me, enough diet Mountain Dew to fuel me for the next week. We did really well in the store until we realized that oof ... nobody thought to get eggs. Or oil.

... or a brownie pan.

Which we discovered during our traditional trip to Los Agaves. See, we call each other Taco and Nacho and it's the last place we ate at before she moved to San Diego so there was no way we could have kicked off this weekend anywhere else.

And with Los Agaves comes ... a pitcher of frosty, tasty goodness. And for those of you who have never been to Los Agaves, their margaritas are probably illegal in several states, including this one. Holy. Lord.

Los Agaves also brings us our first quotable moment of the weekend ...

"What? Am I speaking ... ... ... ... ... Russian?"
-- Nicole, on how confused the waiter was taking our order and realizing that if she HAD been speaking in Spanish, things may have gone more smoothly

I have a feeling that one's gonna stick around for a while just because of all of the irony involved.

After we finished at Los Agaves (and we'd already made the liquor store run at this point where I was happy to see that for the first time in a while they didn't greet me by name!) we headed to get the brownie pan and came back here where we commenced to bake all sorts of cupcake and brownie goodness.

We pulled up a little TalkRadioX and listened to The Live Test Show so Nicole could get an official shoutout and when it ended, we flipped around the Music Choice channels. Eventually, her 3,000 mile trip and my week caught up with me.

I remember taking a phone call at 2:30 in the morning but I was so beyond tired I know that I probably made no sense at all except I do remember insisting that I was NOT too sleepy to talk. And then I was doing so good at faking it until I heard the voice on the other end say, "I totally changed that story halfway through and you didn't notice."

And "I so did" wasn't believable at this point.

Sigh. I'm laughing to myself right now at my stubborn insistence that I was awake enough to answer the phone, much less communicate. And when I got a text message after 4 saying "OK ... bed time" and I responded, I got "You're not supposed to be up ... much less answer!"

Cute. :)

OK ... time to get this party rolling. Updates forthcoming.

Why I love my office No. 321

2008-01-25T11:31:00.000-05:00

Reporter (on phone): Does anybody know where the gun show is this weekend?

Me (flexing my biceps): YEAH!! Right HERE!!

A little all-encompassing radio update (with shout-outs!)

2008-01-25T10:05:00.000-05:00

So, it occurred to me that it's been a while since I really got everybody up to speed on the current broadcasting schedule of the company (and I use that term loosely) I've started called "Second Team Productions."

The name "Second Team Productions" came to me in a dream. I think it came about from a time that I joked that our team (me, Paige, Ed, Jeff ... even all of the support we get from Steve, Foobs, my family, etc.) might not be your starters, but we'd be a great backup squad.

Hence ... Second Team Productions.

Anyway, we're really busy lately. And I don't even mean in that, "I'm not interested in working on Friday so I have to look busy" kind of way!

Happy Hour on TalkRadioX (live at 2 p.m. Sunday, replay at 5 p.m. Monday and 10 a.m. Tuesday) has actually started to gain some steam and I couldn't be happier. I'm working (read: harassing them through MySpace) on getting the listeners from The Show That Never Ends (8 p.m. Sunday) to tune in a little earlier because I think they'd totally be impressed with how different and great the setup is over at TalkRadioX compared to the things we deal with at NowLive. It's just a first-class operation from start to finish and I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such talented and fun people.

Lest I be called a "shameless self-promoter," here's some promotional love to my people. These are the shows you should be checking out religiously on TalkRadioX:

* The Radio Dan Show (8 p.m. Monday through Thursday, 9 p.m. Sunday) -- Radio Dan and Intern Jessica. It's movies, TV, entertainment and all of it entertaining. I love these guys. I could listen for hours. I do, actually.

* The Live Test Show ... YAYYY! (9 p.m. Monday through Friday) -- Hosted by Antubert with Tyler Hollywood. All sorts of fun going on in that hour! Plus, it's inevitable that Cory and Mr. Justin are going to show up at some point to rain Skittles.

* B-Dub at Night (10 p.m. Monday through Thursday, midnight Friday) -- A little show that I may or may not be the executive producer of ... But definitely interesting, controversial and, well, it has porn stars. You'll just have to check it out.

* Ground Zero Radio (6 p.m. Saturday) -- eWrestling, a little of this and that, hosted by resident badass Tyler Hollywood. I still don't know what eWrestling is. I'm waiting for that explanation.

* Steppin' to the Bad Side (11 p.m. Saturday) -- more Tyler Hollywood badassness. I would encourage you to stick around for the 2 a.m. to 3 a.m. hour. Seriously. Yes. I just said "2 a.m. to 3 a.m. hour."

* Steppin' to the Bad Side Power Hour (11 p.m. Monday through Thursday) -- seriously, Tyler, you got nothin' else to do?! You're cutting into my trash TV time with all of this! ::laughs::

Over on BlogTalkRadio, our friends at SportFellas are about to launch SportFellas Radio. The day and time are forthcoming, but you won't want to miss it. It's going to be a great roundtable on sports, pop culture and anything else that comes around. I'm one of the roundtable co-hosts as the resident chick in the cheap seats. That and I'm probably the only person who can talk NHL and has a penchant for minor league sporting events.

So, really ... that's why I'm not sleeping much these days once you throw in the graphic production side of Second Team. I'm always listening and learning, writing, designing, thinking of new ideas, reading reading reading, bouncing ideas off those more awesome than we are. It's an ever-evolving process.

How awesome is this, though? Paige, because she's the most awesome badass in the world, gave me an external hard drive for Christmas that has almost any kind of sound effect I could ever want, so you'll have to wait to see when they make appearances. And to that, I have to ask her, "Who shit on the coats?"

But, you know, I don't think I'd trade the insomnia in for anything. I'm actually having what could be described as the time of my life right now with all of this insanity. :)

A little modification ...

2008-01-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

The final version of the front of the shirt now sweeping western Pennsylvania:

Yeah, that's a little NBA logo of Donnie Iris. I'm on Team Donnie. Are you?

(You've got about an hour to decide ... I gotta order these things before it gets too late!!)

The latest obsession

2008-01-24T13:51:00.000-05:00

This also is dedicated to my friend Mil, who's been seeing some stress at her job on top of quitting smoking. A lethal combination! My suggestion to her was rather than smoking, or knocking over a 7-Eleven, she should buy a potato gun.

I really, really want a potato gun.

I've read several sites that show you how you can make them, but the thought of exploding PVC pipe (coupled with my really fabulous karma) could result in an undesired outcome.

And I think I'd boil the potatoes to make sure they didn't hurt so much when they hit something. And I also think a potato that explodes on impact with a car windshield is infinitely funny.

But check out this guy's vids ... It's worth it. Especially if you're not doing anything. And keep in mind my birthday is Feb. 11, and because I'm hard to shop for, I'm just telling you right now that I really want a potato gun.

T-shirt design is just one more service I offer ...

2008-01-24T13:21:00.001-05:00

For Edwin and Co.'s annual Pittsburgh Pub Crawl, because he was looking to outgun Furman this year on the shirt design:

(The shirts are navy blue. This is the front ...)

(This is the back of the shirt. Note the Wagon Queen Family Truckster!!)

And now that that project's out of the way, the sweatshop of Second Team Productions is taking orders. :)

Yawn

2008-01-21T15:36:00.000-05:00

Today I am feeling ...

I envy that snail. It looks so happy. It's sleeping. What's not to be happy about?

OK. It's not funny anymore.

2008-01-17T13:07:00.000-05:00

... I might kill myself at my desk.

Phone rings. Call from my company's "kitchen."

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hey, Jac-K. It's (ad sales girl). I'm here in the kitchen and the can opener just broke. I was wondering if you guys had one upstairs.

Me: I ... In the ... What? ... I don't know.

Note to my friends and fans: I've decided I will NOT be answering my phone for the rest of the day. I just don't have it in me.

... Just when I thought it coudn't get better

2008-01-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

Voicemail left while I was at lunch:

"Hi, Jacque. This is Rosey from (insert contractor here). I was calling to get a list of every business in West Virginia. If you could give me a call back, I would appreciate it. My number is 757-XXXX."

Now it's just getting out of control ...

It's just one more service I offer ...

2008-01-17T11:38:00.000-05:00

Phone rings at my desk. Deceptively, it's "in-house." I answer it, figuring I'm safe.

Me: Hello?

(Silence)

Me: Hellooo?

(Silence -- I decide to look at the phone. It was a sneaky transfer. Note to self: Peeved at girl who transferred the call. OK, I'm over it.)

Me: (Insert Standard Professional Phone Greeting here)

Caller: Yeah, this is John Q. Bigdeal from Awesome Enterprises. I was wondering ... I'm looking at your paper here, can you give me the number to (insert state agency here).

Me: I'm sorry, what?

Caller: Can you give me the number to (insert state agency here)?

Me: You just want their phone number?

Caller: Yeah.

Me: (Screaming on the inside -- enter 'Sweet as Pie' voice) Hang on just a second and I'll look that up for you.

(Insert 1.5 seconds for Google search and click-thru.)

Me: It's 558-XXXX.

Caller: That's a state number?

Me: Yes. 558 is the state's exchange.

Caller: (Laughing, because clearly, he brought his clever trousers today) How 'bout that. Thanks. *click*

(I start hitting my head off my desk. To my dismay, I'm still conscious.)

Why I love my sister No. 3,298

2008-01-14T13:44:00.000-05:00

My sister got this today as a gift from a co-worker and she immediately sent it in a text message to us with the message of "This is the best present ever!"

Yes, that's a shocker shot glass.

Yes, that's my family, everybody. These ... are MY kinda people. :)

I love this freakin' paper!

2008-01-14T11:31:00.000-05:00

Fake Jessica "roots" for the Cowboys, in an elaborate jinx hatched by the Post to help the Giants. Tony Romo tends to preform poorly with a Blonde singing girlfriend in attendance at one of his games.

The New York Post ... serious Giants fans. So much so that they put a fake Jessica Simpson at the Giants-Cowboys game yesterday.

'Boys Seeing Double: Post's 'Jess' Helps Giants KO Dallas

That might be enough to make the Giants my new favorite team.

Punt. Pass. Kick right in the sack. Repeat.

2008-01-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

It seems like West Virginia University's being hit over and over and over again with a tube sock full of quarters. I mean, one more good, solid whack to the daddy box and I'm not sure they're gonna be able to get up.

Today's "House of the Rising Sun" watch brought to you by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (and complete with supporting documents available on the home page):

WVU e-mails on degree opened
Show president's chief of staff directed response to M.B.A. queries

... And the hits just keep on' coming!

And, if that's not enough for you, enjoy this column by a CBS Sports writer who managed to call Gov. Joe Manchin a "jock-sniffing meddler."

Absurd, comical, over the top: Hey, if the Gov fits ...

I mean, at least Hawaii's governor took it up the tailpipe, too.

Since everybody's got one these days ...

2008-01-10T14:17:00.000-05:00

I just found out from my alma mater that I've been awarded a master's degree!

Now, before everybody gets excited, it's one I definitely, without question, undeniably have earned.

Today, I can proudly hang my diploma for a Master of Passive-Aggressive.

Don't think that just anybody has the street smarts to make this happen! You have to work hard to pull something like this off. Long hours. Dedication to the cause. A will like you've never seen.

My capstone course has been in Sidebar. For those of you uneducated about what Sidebar is, take a look at that cell phone you have sitting on your desk. See that little button on the side? When the phone rings, you push it. The caller then gets shuttled to voice mail. In the parlance of our times, this is known as "sidebarring" someone.

To mix it up a little, you also can just NOT answer the phone. Then the person gets to believe that you're sitting there watching the phone ring, consciously deciding to NOT answer the phone ... or are you? You could be away from your desk. You could be in a meeting. You could be sleeping. You could be in the shower. You could be at Sheetz. (And if you're at Sheetz, you don't know how lucky you are. Bastards. Sigh.)

So, rather than go off on the douchebag pissing me off, I just don't answer the phone. This is my way of signaling to the douchebag that I'm pissed off, thereby requiring the douchebag to (if inclined) take extra effort to find out what possibly could have upset me.

Sidebar is closely related to the course of "How to Answer In Two Words or Less," another class in which I excelled. This, I've found, is the most effective way to communicate your anger with someone in a passive-aggressive way. After all, there's no better way to say everything and nothing all at the same time by answering, "What's wrong? Are you alright?" with ... "I'm fine."

Or, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

We'll all be getting together to celebrate my master's degree now that it's finished, but I'm not going to tell anybody where it is and what time. And then when you don't show up, rather than tell you I'm angry, I just won't answer the phone.

A new must-have

2008-01-10T12:23:00.001-05:00

I saw this shirt listed as "new" on BustedTees.com. I totally need this one in the collection, especially because my Jedi Master shirt has a hole in it.

I also managed to impress Sweet Ann when I said, "Come bust a move where the games are played it's chill it's fresh it's Noah's Arcade."

Word.

I loved the '80s as much as the next guy, but ...

2008-01-10T11:09:00.000-05:00

G: "Shoot me now, Jacque."
Me: "I can't shoot you, George. I like you too much."
Sweet Ann (from behind the cubicle): "I'll do it, George!"

I just saw this story in the Daily Mail:

WVU adds four assistants
MORGANTOWN — New West Virginia University Coach Bill Stewart is turning his staff vacancies into a "Return of the Native" scenario.
Three former Mountaineer players and coaches — John "Doc" Holliday, Steve Dunlap and David Lockwood — have been hired to rejoin the WVU coaching staff, sources said today.

Is anybody else ready to dust off their "Up the Middle-O-Meter"? I'm not trying to be a Negative Nancy, but ... eesh.

Trust me, I look back on most of the '80s with a smile and a wisp of nostalgia and a dreamy, glazed-over glance. I'm not sure I'm ready to look back on THIS part of the '80s with that same look.

Who's in for a trip to Johnstown? I'm gonna need some hockey to put this out of my mind.

So, THAT'S what works!

2008-01-09T13:18:00.000-05:00

Today, somehow, the topic of how people met their spouses/significant others came up.

I have some co-workers with really interesting stories.

One guy I work with met his wife at a bar in Morgantown. He was out with a group, she was out with a group and he told this girl's friend he found her booty to be rocking. They subsequently dated, fell in love and have been married now for four years.

Another co-worker was introduced to her husband by her sister. When she left, her future husband said to her sister, "Find out if she wants it." They dated, fell in love, got married seven or so years ago and have two really fun kids. They're also a great example of what marrying your best friend turns out to be. I admire them so much.

So, if you're a reader and you're inclined to share ... how did you meet your significant other? I'm curious to see what kind of stories we end up with. :)

Anybody else see the end of "Casino"?

2008-01-09T09:58:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite movies is this classic.

I'm fascinated by organized crime at all levels, from "The Godfather"-like behavior of the old school to the more modern "Sopranos" style of management.

"Casino" falls sort of in the middle. If you've never seen the movie, it focuses on the building of what we know as "new Vegas." It's the transition from the 1950s-1960s Dean Martin-Frank Sinatra kind of Vegas to what we see today ... the mega hotels, the roller coasters. The movie ends in the 1980s, so it ends with right where the serious changes start to take place.

But, I digress. Again. I'm always digressing.

Anyway ...

At the end of the movie, I guess with about 10 minutes or so to go, you can hear "House of the Rising Sun" by the Animals start playing in the background and EVERYBODY STARTS DYING. It's kind of like falling dominoes -- one mob guy goes down, and starts to take everybody else down with him and it's nothing by 10 solid minutes of death.

So, you could imagine that when I read this story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette today, I started hearing "House of the Rising Sun" play in the background:

WVU's provost unsure of records on MBA

This is a followup to an extensive story they did Dec. 21 about how, well, an MBA (and, oof, it just sorta happens to be for the governor's daughter ...) just sort of showed up. It's all very intriguing and if you're a conspiracy theorist, it's pretty much as good as Christmas.

This was the paragraph in today's piece, though, that caused me to kind of let out one of those long, ooooooooooooof kind of breaths:

Yesterday, Mr. Lang acknowledged that those records are lacking and that no other students have reported problems with their records since a Dec. 21 story by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette raised questions about how the university went about retroactively granting the degree to Ms. Bresch, a longtime friend and business associate of WVU President Mike Garrison.

Oh. Hell. Something on the inside tells me that probably wasn't the right answer.

It's almost like if you listen really carefully, in the background, you can hear it very faintly:

"... there is a house in New Orleans they call the rising sun ..."

The art of the "how not to ..." (under pressure)

2008-01-08T13:06:00.000-05:00

Me (on the phone): "You ARE an expert! You spend more time in a bar than anybody I've ever known."
Sweet Ann (from across the cubicle): "Tell Ed I said hi."

I'm a communicator. For a living, even. For a living and for a "hobby." (I put "hobby" in quotes because at this point, it's like a part-time job that I love and don't collect a paycheck.)

OK, so maybe I'm not the best at doing it with tact. I would just call that "my direct nature" and "brutal honesty."

Anyway, I spend 40-some hours a week getting paid at the ol' AutoTrader and then probably another 10 to 20 doing various Internet radio projects and blogging. Sometimes the blog gets hosed, though. It's not because the blog is any less important or I'm not interested in it, it's just something I know will always be there for me when I'm ready to come home. Kind of like a cat.

Like this one.

Inky. She's ill-tempered, but rather loyal.

But, I digress.

I generally do pride myself on having pretty good communication skills. I'd like to think I'm outgoing, expressive, thoughtful ... all of those things. But you know what I plain suck at? I mean, I'm so bad at it, I could host a seminar on "how not to ... ."

"Managing Emotions Under Pressure."

I was looking for a show topic for this week's Happy Hour (the NEW show we're doing at 2 p.m. on Sundays on TalkRadioX) and a brochure for a one-day seminar with that title fell right into my path.

To tie it all together -- first, a little bit about Happy Hour!

This is a new, exciting project for us. For a couple of months, I was a co-host on The James Madison Show on TalkRadioX and I got to know a little bit about the operation and its people. Because of some technical issues, I wasn't able to keep doing the JM Show, but they offered (because they're such great, awesome guys) to talk to the people at TRX to see if I could have a slot. Fortunately, the people who make those decisions caught me on an "A-Game" day, and offered up the slot.

After waffling for a while on a day and time, we all finally settled on 2 p.m. Sunday.

We settled on 2 p.m. Sunday at about 6 p.m. Saturday night.

This ... is where a seminar on "Managing Emotions Under Pressure" would have come in handy.

At this point, all I had was the graphic you see above, no audio promos cut, a rudimentary knowledge of HOW to use the audio software and a co-host I couldn't locate. It's 7:15 p.m. the night before launch.

And here, as they say, is where pressure kicks in.

Ordinarly, I'm very good at meeting deadlines under pressure. I do it every single week. It's part of my job. But as I sat there that Saturday night looking for various bits of audio to string together into a show opener with a program I only kind of know something about, I started to feel my head pound. My chest tightened a little. I was hot. And I was on the verge of panic. These were people I wanted to impress. I wanted the new show to be flawless. I wanted nothing less than perfection.

I finally put something together I somewhat liked. At this point, I couldn't really see straight, my head was throbbing and I felt a little sick in the pit of my belly knowing that in all of the work on production, none of it included ... a topic. I e-mailed the finished audio product to my co-host (who lives five and a half hours from Charleston in an awesome little party town we like to call Harrisburg, Pa.) and said, "Call me when you get this. I want to know what you think of it."

Shortly after midnight, I really could have used the knowledge that would have been gleaned from "Managing Emotions Under Pressure."

Me: Hi.
Nightman (sneaky and mean): Hey.
M: Did you listen?
N: Yeah. It's a little bit choppy.

... BOOM!!

What happened in the next few minutes could only be described as someone who did NOT "Manage Emotions Under Pressure." In a matter of sheer seconds, I became my father.

"Fine. You don't like it, I just e-mailed you the software. Have at it."

"You know, what the hell have YOU done to make this happen? Oh, wait. That's right. Nothing."

"Do you have any idea what it's like to spend four hours trying to put something like that together?"

I failed, clearly, to "Manage Emotions Under Pressure." Every time he said "calm down" I got angrier. When he tried to tell me that after listening to it a couple more times, he really liked it, I told him I didn't want to hear it. I stopped listening. I didn't let him talk. I started crying. I started attacking him for about everything I could think of.

I became everything I hate about people who can't handle pressure.

To his credit, he softened his tone and tried to get me to just walk away from it for the night and go to sleep. We're close enough to know those little quirks about each other -- I'm not very easy to deal with if I'm frustrated. Add fatigue and a migraine on top of it, and you're playing with a stick of C4 (that might be sparking) in one hand and a match in the other.

Is it right? No. Hell no it's not right. I had no reason to act that way. I was under pressure and rather than letting rational behavior win, I flipped out like a hormonal teenage girl.

Fortunately, when 2 p.m. Sunday hit, it didn't matter. The opening was nailed. The show was tight. We got lots of feedback and compliments and we ended it right on time (there's math involved!) even when I realized 20 seconds to cutoff that I hadn't wrapped up. (... oops.)

So, I managed under pressure. Maybe not my emotions, but I managed. And it's nothing that can't be completely forgotten and laughed about in a night spent watching sports at Zembie's or Wii bowling. And it opens the door to show topics by the dozen.

More hockey pictures!

2008-01-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

Someone reminded today that this blog has real, actual readers, so I thought I'd put up a few pics that were taking up space in the BlackBerry. :) These shots are from the Wheeling Nailers-Elmira Jackals game at WesBanco Arena in Wheeling on Dec. 21. Sweet Ann and I were both home visiting family and, well, since you don't pass up hockey when it's RIGHT there ...

In Zamboni We Trust. Especially when the guy driving the Zamboni is wearing a Santa hat. All I'm saying if someone's looking to win the "Best Gift Ever" award, the chance to drive a Zamboni would be about the top of that list.

Merry Christmas from the Wheeling Nailers and WesBanco Arena. Everybody loves a Santa bobble head doll!

This is the puck that grazed Sweet Ann that we got to keep as a souvenir. I've never almost been smacked by a projectile puck before!! I hope to replicate this success at a Hershey Bears game in the near future.

More to come later ... I think instead of going out for tonight's BCS National Championship between LSU and Ohio State, I'm going to take advantage of glorious high definition technology in the comfort of my own sweatpants and my living room.

Hometown proud

2008-01-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

(Picture from thatgoddardkid.wordpress.com -- a blog by fellow New Martinsville kid Jordan Goddard)

I hope that someone gets the purchase order for the new ones in soon. And I hope they look a little less chintzy than the ones in Grant Town did. But I'm really proud of whoever did this one. That's just how New Martinsville rolls.

Quote of the Week

2008-01-03T21:03:00.000-05:00

Paige, on Arizona Diamondbacks honcho and WVU grad/big donor Ken Kendrick:

"Don't shit in the punchbowl, Ken. It's our party."

For those who may not have seen what lead to my awarding of the Quote of the Week, here's the context from a story on ESPN.com:

West Virginia booster Ken Kendrick, who was outspoken in his support of Rodriguez following his departure, called it a "sad morning."

"He is so overmatched it's not even funny," said Kendrick, managing partner of Major League Baseball's Arizona Diamondbacks. "He's a nice guy and a father figure. But they had a wonderful architect and they hired the painter to build the next house. I want Bill Stewart to win and I want our program to be successful. But I feel bad for our future. I'm very concerned."

Really, Ken? Really?

I get it. Rich was your boy. And that's cool. I'm OK with that. But is it necessary to kick a man in the sack the morning after he picks up the pieces of something shattered at his feet, takes some duct tape, puts the thing back together and happens to make it work?

And here's the other thing -- I don't think it really matters what you think. You'll write your check or you won't. A big wallet doesn't give you the final say and it doesn't entitle you to be a total douchebag. You love this program so much? Just do everybody a favor and shut up.

Because everybody loves a good Top 10

2008-01-01T23:08:00.000-05:00

From our friends at Cracked.com ... the Top 10 Douchebags of 2007!

I'm bummed out that some of my nominations didn't make the cut.

It makes for good radio, but ...

2008-01-01T10:34:00.000-05:00

So, it's January 1.

That means 95 percent of us woke up today making all sorts of promises of things we're going to do right in 2008 that we didn't get right in 2007.

For an overwhelming percentage of people, it's "lose weight."

For me, it's "marriage."

(DING!! ... Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week ... be sure to try the veal AND tip your wait staff.)

The goal of losing weight and getting healthy is noble and all. I'm all for it. And I'd totally be on that bandwagon with you, but, well, tomorrow's the Fiesta Bowl.

And then I might want to go somewhere this weekend.

And then I have that thing up at my parents' house.

Well, by then, Nicole's coming.

So, I can start after that.

No. February 1 is the trip to Punxsutawney and Ann and I are going to try to eat the six pound hamburger. So, after, no ...

February 11 is my birthday, so that's out. And well, then Valentine's Day, and since I don't have one, I'm going to want to go to dinner with friends. So, there's ...

Gah! Foo Fighters weekend. Then I'm spending some fun-filled and deserved days with Angie wandering the streets of Philadelphia. So, I can ...

No. My sister's birthday is March 9, and she'll want Drover's, so I can ...

See what I mean?

I'm harder on myself than anybody else would be. My goal (or "resolution" if you want to call it that) for 2008 is to simply find happiness. I spent so much of 2007 so very, very unhappy for dozens of reasons and I'm ready to put that behind me. I'm ready to start taking better care of myself, which includes getting enough sleep, eating right, enjoying the membership I have at the gym, running outside and breathing in the fresh air and showing love, kindness and appreciation to those I hold dear to me.

So, I swear that all starts after the Fiesta Bowl. Unless they lose, and I'll be sad, and nothing says "sad" like onion rings, so I'll ...

Gah.

Happy 2008, everybody. :)

My parting thought for 2007 ...

2007-12-31T16:57:00.000-05:00

The never-emptying inbox

2007-12-20T20:57:00.000-05:00

You ever see those cartoons? The ones where the guy's at his desk and his outbox is empty and the inbox is overflowing? That's kind of how I feel right now.

Christmas is, well, three days away. It isn't that I don't know when Christmas is. It's not like it changes days on you. It's the same frickin' day every year. It doesn't sneak up on me.

Right now, I've got a million projects going on. Our show has really started to take off and that brings a whole new set of things to do for it. I was co-hosting another show on Fridays, and I got the chance to spin off to another show on a different network. I'm writing for the SportFellas and I'm going to be doing their radio show. I'm also taking on a few outside design projects because in the event that I decide to peace out, I have to refresh those skills. And they're fun.

Oh, wait. I committed to a triathlon in July in Chicago. The Danskin. We were going do to April in Orlando but opted to go to Chicago instead. I'm down with that. I've never been there.

Let's throw the Erie half-marathon on top of that. I think it's the weekend after.

You want more?

Harrisburg-Hershey half-marathon ... second weekend of November. I realize that's a hell of a long way down the road, but it's not like something you capriciously prepare for. You don't wake up that Saturday morning and say, "eh, I got nothing better to do, so I think I'll hit 13 miles today."

So between work, traveling, writing, radio, training ... sleep's a luxury. I tried going to bed really early last night but my mind was racing.

I neglected to send out Christmas cards and it's more because my life has been in such a state of transition during the last few months I didn't even think to ask for the Excel spreadsheet of addresses so I could send them. There's no tree. I didn't decorate. I just don't feel much like Christmas this year, and understandably.

In a few days, I'll be at home, on my parents' couch, watching their TV and relaxing. I'll take a minute or three to breathe and catch up, and then hit it again. Time's not slowing down for me, it seems. It's getting faster and faster.

... and I'm gonna be freakin' 29. Gah.

And it's time for me to call into my second network for the Christmas radio show. Then, I swear some down time with the TV.

OK, I lied. THIS is the best headline ever.

2007-12-20T11:15:00.001-05:00

From today's Charleston Daily Mail:

Man accused of hiding meat in his pants

It's like Christmas came early for me.

And now, a fun picture of bologna:

Christmas from The Cadillac of Men!

2007-12-19T11:11:00.000-05:00

Who says men don't listen?

During my show Sunday night, I said that nunchucks would make me the happiest person in the world, and look at what got delivered today from Foobs, also known as The Cadillac of Men!

Just for general information, there is a running bet on how long it will take me to hurt myself with these. I've had them four minutes and I hit myself in the head once.

Best. Headline. Ever.

2007-12-19T09:17:00.000-05:00

Check out this awesome story from today's New York Post!

It just made my Wednesday, and it's only 9:17 a.m.!

About that pesky WVU coaching situation ...

2007-12-18T11:51:00.000-05:00

As always, I'm not saying. I'm just saying. And I'm saying I'm amazed that there are more conspiracy theories about this coaching departure than there were about Sept. 11. And it's stupid.

At the end of the day, Rich Rodriguez made a choice. Every day, we all make choices. He made a choice. That's it. That's really as complicated as it gets.

Back from the road ... again.

2007-12-17T22:17:00.000-05:00

I'm dead ass tired and swimming in laundry, so I do promise an update soon, but until then, here's a video from Nicole, who from 3,000 miles away is able to make me laugh almost every day.

YO! Patty O! These are your peeps, bro! :)

These are also Nicole's peeps. Maybe you all summered at the Vineyard together. ;)

My new favorite t-shirt

2007-12-14T10:59:00.000-05:00

So right -- and so wrong -- on so many levels.

Site Pimping: SportFellas.com

2007-12-13T15:48:00.000-05:00

I'm happy to pimp these guys, because they're my second family.

SportFellas.com -- Armchair Philosophy Served with a Beer and a Bias

Dean just asked me to be a contributor, so now their motto can be served with a beer, and a bias, and in my case, boobs. So far, I'm the lone female contributor.

Also, SportFellas is about to launch their own radio show at NowLive.com. I'll let you all know when to listen. It'll be fun roundtable show and who knows what we'll get into. The goal is to have all of the site contributors as roundtable hosts with guests and interviews and good stuff. I'm SO proud of them for taking this next step toward awesome.

If you've got nothing to read tonight, head over there. I highly recommend the 2007 Bowl Prediction column, but not if you're enjoying a beverage. If you don't heed my warning, at least have some paper towels handy. :) It's that funny.

If there IS a Husband No. 2

2007-12-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

I start a lot of sentences with that phase. It isn't because I'm in some sort of rush to run out and find him. I'm really not in any hurry to even go out to dinner with someone I don't know.

But there is, down the road, the thought of trying this concept again. And if that ever does happen, I hope I marry a really competitive dude, because he's going to have to help me top this in terms of freaking awesome:

glumbert - Best wedding first dance ever

The "Thriller" dance was awesome. The couple who replicated the final dance in "Dirty Dancing"? You totally have a fan in me. But I've placed this couple at my solid No. 1 to beat. You're going down, "Baby Got Back" couple!

** And speaking of weddings, today is my parents' 30th anniversary. THIRTY freakin' years!! :) Congratulations, Mom and Dad. Your decision to go to Virginia that weekend and get hitched created a couple of pretty fantastic kids and a lot of fun for them growing up. I'm happy to see two of my best friends reach this kind of milestone. :)**

Sun!!

2007-12-11T11:52:00.000-05:00

The sun is out in Charleston!!

The first time I've seen the sun in West Virginia since Dec. 1.

I don't want to talk about Dec. 1.

Part-time job anyone?

2007-12-11T10:12:00.001-05:00

I'm reading something at work right now that has a customer service program called:

"Give 'em the Pickle."

I so am looking these people up.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

2007-12-10T21:48:00.000-05:00

This song really, really hits home with me.

In some respects
I suspect you've got a respectable side
When pushed and pulled and pressured
You seldom run and hide
But it's for someone else's benefit
Not for what you wanna do
Until I realize that you've realized
I'm gonna say these words to you

You don't know what love is
You do as you're told
Just as a child at 10 might act
But you're far too old
You're not hopeless or helpless
And I hate to sound cold
But you don't know what love is...
You just do as you're told

I can see your man
Can't help but win
Any problems that may arise
But in his mind there can be no sin
If you never criticize
You just keep on repeating
All those empty "I love yous"
Until you say you deserve better
I'm gonna lay right into you

You don't know what love is
You just do as you're told
Just as a child of 10 might act
But you're far too old
Your not hopeless or helpless
And I hate to sound cold
But you don't know what love is
No you don't know what love is
No you don't know what love is

You just do as you're told
You do as you're told
Yeah

I still haven't found what I'm looking for ...

2007-12-10T16:25:00.000-05:00

Like the sun. No sun yet. Nope. None.

But -- all in all -- not having as bad a day as these guys:

Tractor-trailer driver and passenger both in critical condition after plunge into river

This happened RIGHT OUTSIDE my office window this morning. We still can't figure out how we didn't HEAR this thing fly OFF THE INTERSTATE and drop 80 feet to U.S. Route 60 below and then roll into the river.

Crazy. This is far superior to the Spilled Milk Incident of 2005 when the milk tanker overturned on the bridge and its contents flowed off the bridge like a delicious milk waterfall.

Shameless self-promotion!!

2007-12-09T15:13:00.000-05:00

Wait ... isn't that what a blog is anyway?

But, anyway ...

My weekend radio show, The Show That Never Ends, has been picked up by Alliance Media Network, a company who has partnered with us to bring us some awesome to our merry band of misfits. They partner with several other great shows on NowLive.com, so please visit their site and check out some of the fantastic talent the network has to offer!

Tonight's show promises to be a good one, though. We need your help to make this first show with them the best we've done so far (with the exception of "Porn Star or My Little Pony" which may never be topped) and that only can happen if you show up and participate. You can register for free for a chat name with NowLive and come in and hang out with us! You never know who's going to show up on any given night!

Oh, and don't forget -- Ed, our resident douche, isn't off the hook for his hair. And I'm not sure I could ring in 2008 any happier than knowing that while he's out trying to score with is popped collar on his dark striped shirt and his trendy jeans, he can't escape the fact that he's got no hair.

We want to thank all of you for your support! There's no way we'd be here now if it weren't for all of you. We're looking forward to making 2008 the best year yet for the show!

This is pretty awesome. I'm excited and freakin' out at the same time. And up to my ass in prep work right now. :) But I do hope that if you're around, and you've got the time, that you check us out tonight!

Your brain on doxylamine succinate

2007-12-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

via instant messenger:

Jacque: kiefer sutherland is hot, even in a mugshot

Paige: poor kiefer
Paige: I wanted them to let him off just for being awesome
Paige: why is it that crotch flashers get out in 8 hours

Jacque: i should be so lucky that kiefer flashes his crotch in my direction

Oooh! It's like Christmas up in here!

2007-12-08T16:06:00.001-05:00

MSNBC's showing a power block of "To Catch a Predator" goodness, including the "The Unseen Tapes."'

OOOOOH!!!

The guy they're interviewing now just said:

"There ain't no tellin' what I'll do when I'm drunk."

... that sounds like a lot of people I know.

I'm excited, though. This is great self-imposed grounding viewing. You don't have to think to watch this -- just laugh.

Oh, and these people should be beat with hoses as soon as they walk out the door. I think just normal police custody's too good for someone whose sole purpose for travel is to have sex with kids.

I know the issues surrounding this series, too -- there are both social and ethical concerns -- but the bottom line? I have no respect for kid touchers and they should really get what's coming their way: Prison rape.

I don't think I've seen the sun yet

2007-12-08T13:23:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, I remember telling Nightman (sneaky and mean) that I really don't think I've seen the actual SUN in West Virginia since the Pitt loss. In those seven days, it's been cold and gray and even snowy. And even today as I got up from under my self-induced NyQuil coma and went downstairs, it's still gray. And the radio weather report said rain for the next few days.

I could see how people get seasonal affective disorder. I actually know a couple of people who do have it and for a span of months during the fall and winter, they're on antidepressants because the dark and the gray is just too much. I understand how it could happen quite easily.

I woke up and went to the couch, which long has been a favorite Saturday routine. In my old house, the TV room was in the bottom level of the house and it was so dark and I would lose hours on Saturday afternoon sleeping while he worked or did other things. It's very dark in the bedroom in my new house, but thankfully, my living room lets in a lot of light.

There's just no light. It's gray. And ugly. And the trees are barren. But I do have a lovely view of Charleston's finest high-rise living. :) It doesn't have a parking garage, though. It doesn't make sense to me to have that kind of apartment building that you're paying that much to live in, and you still park outside. I've never been so happy to have a garage in my life!! Wednesday morning when it was snowy outside, I got into a cleaned off, warm car.

I've grounded myself today. I don't want to leave the house unless I have to because I just need to try to rest this cold out. I've torn up the interstate in every direction for weeks. It's been a blast and I've loved every second, but my health is suffering.

Oh, and how's this for a surprise -- I was doing research on half-marathons and found that the Erie one got pushed back to July! EEK! I'm scared now. Officially scared. I don't know if I'll be ready by July. I found a great program online that gives you eight weeks of conditioning and then you start training full on, so I think that's most sound. I'm going to have to map out some outside paths in Charleston for this training because I can't possibly take a treadmill at the gym long enough to do 10 miles on a Sunday.

It's a huge commitment. Erie in July, the Danskin Tri sometime in July (I hope not on the same weekend) and the Harrisburg-Hershey Half Marathon in November (which will definitely end with me taking a huge nap and then going to Chocolate World to eat everything made of milky chocolate goodness that isn't tied down -- in fact, I'd like my friends at the finish line with a giant Hershey's bar). I've been asked what I'll do after that.

I don't know. Probably sleep a while. Go to Vegas. I've always wanted to go to Vegas. I hear they've got a good half-marathon out there, too.

My ultimate dream goal is the Boston Marathon ... but I'm a realist. I doubt I'll ever be able to do that. Maybe it just seems overwhelming now, but in the end, taken in small chunks, it's totally possible.

I've always been told anything is possible, and I've definitely learned that during the last six months of my life. Anything is possible and you should be prepared for the bottom to drop out any time.

But I feel very peaceful, even if it's cold and gray outside. I'd be psyched if I could breathe out my nose, but that's just gravy at this point. :)

I'm not sayin', I'm JUST sayin' ...

2007-12-07T17:09:00.000-05:00

Everybody should see this video. Especially if you went to West Virginia University or maybe live in the proximity of Long Island, New York.

I showed this to George, good friend and fellow WVU grad, who did, in fact, confirm it's 100 percent accurate.

I know I should be working, but ...

2007-12-07T15:18:00.000-05:00

"When I'm out walkin' I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out ... I'm high as a kite I just might stop to check you out."
-- "Blister in the Sun" by Violent Femmes

I'm so strung out on the DayQuil that I can't focus. I start to do something, and then I look at the clock, and then I'll flip through my iTunes, read TMZ.com, look at the New York Post online ... I'm a trainwreck.

A trainwreck just a couple of short hours away from from a weekend spent on her couch.

"Just because we A-rabs, girl, don't mean we's kin."
-- George, when asked if he was related to another guy from Charleston who also is Lebanese

My left nostril is all red and painful from the constant runniness. And sneezing.

I'm on the phone with Julie now. Talking to her and listening to her stresses and thinking about the stress I've had lately, I am quite convinced that the solution to all of our problems could be found in a road trip like we took a couple of weeks back. Earlier in the week we were talking about how much fun we had in Harrisburg, Hershey and Johnstown.

The Firehouse, McGrath's, Johnnie's, Zembie's, the Chiefs, the freakin' Hershey Bears, Chocolate World -- all of it. I'd say the only part of that trip that sucked was the Turnpike, but as I drove away that night, I didn't even mind the Turnpike that time. It's not all that bad.

I also am way overdue for a trip to Richmond. Paige tells me there's a BW3 literally in staggering distance of her house, and this pleases me. :) I think the next time I'm up to hitting the road for a few days, there are going to be lots of wings and trivia involved. And Ikea, even though I doubt I could fit any of it in the Camry.

And really, is it February yet? I've got Groundhog Day, my birthday (which it's never, ever too early to start your planning for), the Foo in Philly followed by a weekend with Angie where we'll see things like the Museum of Medical Oddities ... I can't wait. All of January is just going to suck my will to live because I'm going to be waiting for February to get here.

OK, I've got to get back to work. I wanna go wrap up in my woobie on my couch and stay there until around noon on Sunday.

Why I love my office No. 183

2007-12-07T13:59:00.001-05:00

"Oh noooo ... I've got 'Reading Rainbow' in my head. Oh, there's Pantera. That should take care of it."
-- Amber, sitting across from me in headphones

OK, common cold. You win.

2007-12-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

(DayQuil -- fighter of the NyQuil! Champion of the sun!)

Nightman: What's wrong with you? You sound like hell.
Me: Oh, I'm fine. I'm not sick. I just can't breathe.
Nightman: You call a doctor yet?
Me: No! I'm not SICK. I just can't breathe.
Nightman: I don't know, Jacque. To me, "not being able to breathe" is something worth seeing a doctor about.

Monday is my cutoff. If I still can't breathe by Monday, I'm finally sucking it up and calling the doctor, where I'll lose $20 and about four hours of my time for her to see me for three minutes and write me a prescription.

I thought I was coming out of it, but in the last couple of days, my breathing capacity has severely diminished. And I'm back to the DayQuil and NyQuil. In a moment of genius yesterday, I became convinced I had allergies and went out and bought Claritin.

I'm clearly not a doctor.

Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's just the lack of an idle weekend at home. I traveled for something like four weeks straight -- Cincinnati, New Martinsville, Harrisburg, Hershey, Morgantown -- and although each of those trips were fantastic and fun, it didn't leave much time for rest with a cold that developed BEFORE I went to Cincinnati.

This weekend I've "grounded" myself. I'm not going out unless it's necessary, except for the gym. I know, I probably shouldn't even be working out, but I'm on a good streak lately and I feel bad when I miss it. And I love my gym. If you're one of my Charleston readers and you want a gym that you'll be in love with, I suggest Capitol Fitness. I giant heart how it's got great Pilates classes and it's never crowded. It also smells really nice, which was quite different than what I experienced at the Y on Tuesday night. Ick.

So, the grounding begins. I'm going to spend it on my couch watching movies in glorious high-definition quality and working on my show.

Speaking of my show, some very, very exciting new developments are in the works and it's HUGE! I don't want to talk a whole lot about it right now for fear of jinxing it, but it's VERY good and we're beside ourselves. Or, as co-host Jeff would say, we're "shitting rainbows."

Or, like my favorite Demotivator says: "Teamwork: A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction."

But now, I go fight the post office. Again. I f-ing lost a roll of stamps, and I'm still mad about it because I'd used TWO. That's $41.00 right out the window. Gah!!

The Century Club!

2007-12-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

This is my 100th post!

I should reserve it for something meaningful, but instead, I'll just give you a picture of a cat.

For a limited time only ...

2007-12-04T13:21:00.000-05:00

Thank you, Goldfarb Electric on Virginia Street East in Charleston. Thank you for making today worth it.

I've seen fire and I've seen ice -- just not together

2007-12-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

I've been lucky enough to see a lot of really cool stuff in my 28 years.

But nothing like this.

Sweet Ann sent this to me with the disclaimer, "I don't know if this will make you laugh or cry, but I feel obligated to share it with you anyway."

My true love bursts into flames.

Why, God? Why?!

(I should add that I do love that it's a Comcast Zamboni that bursts into flames ... nice touch! Exploding Zamboni? That's Comcastic!!)

I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion!!

2007-12-03T10:53:00.000-05:00

The only thing I'm saying about Saturday:

"This reminds me of two years ago when that -- AUGH -- I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR HIM -- promised me up until freaking 24 hours before opening kickoff that he bought season tickets for us, and you know what? It was all a lie. A huge letdown and a huge lie. Like this season's been. It's all one GIANT HUGE LIE and one giant letdown."
-- Jacque on the phone, 11:45 p.m. Saturday night, taking it all out on someone who just happened the be the unfortunate S.O.B. who answered the phone

Cooler heads since have prevailed. The sun came up, but still hasn't shined here. I really don't even mean what I said about the season being a letdown. Or a giant lie.

You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil. I'll give you a prediction: It's going to be cold. It's going to be gray. And it's going to last you for the rest of your life.

In 62 short days ...

2007-11-30T11:20:00.000-05:00

Feb. 2, 2008 -- Punxsutawney, Pa. -- PhilFest '08

Oh, and if you're going with us this year, prepare yourself for an afternoon spent at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield where we won't be leaving until we finish the 15-pound hamburger. And then we'll all probably be really sick in the parking lot, but a good nap should help us work that out. It's Saturday, after all. No need to rush it on back to West Virginia!

PhilFest '08 will be my phourth (ha!!) trip to Punxsutawney for Groundhog Day. The first time I went, my friend Erinn (along with our other two friends) found it to be a good idea when at 10 p.m., we realized that the next day was Groundhog Day, the next day was Friday and well, we didn't have anything better to do that night.

In 2006, I took what, to this day, is known amongst my closest friends as "The Single Worst Trip I've Ever Made" for many, many reasons. One of the people on the trip seemed to think that what he saw in the movie actually was what was in store, and when that didn't pan out, he whined. Incessantly. And the other person on the trip (a person I don't even speak to anymore) tried a little to smooth things out but ended up fighting with the other douchebag. This led me to the conclusion, around 4 a.m., that I never, ever should have taken EITHER of them to Punxsutawney because once we got up to Gobbler's Knob, the "I wanna go home" douche decided to get really into it and have a good time and the other guy stood nowhere near where he could see what was going on wrapped in his blanket being pissy with everybody. Sigh. Even when I asked for a group picture, I got told no. Lesson learned: Don't make that trip with people you aren't certain can handle it on all levels. All of you end up miserable.

In 2007, though, it was "the Redeemer" trip, big time. Erinn was back for this one, along with our friend Danny, and to say that we had fun would be one of the greatest understatements of the century. From the minute we all got in the car in Morgantown until I was back in Charleston the next day sleeping for 18 hours straight, we had fun. Where else can you hear phrases like "Scream for me I.S.D.A.!!!!" and "they're made from sheep casings" all in the same night and still manage to make snow angels in Punxsutawney's park and see Punxy 5-0 about to make a takedown? And Burger King has never, ever been so tasty.

So, I'm eager to see what '08 has in store because it's a Saturday. I'm pretty sure Erinn's in again, I think I've almost talked Julie into it and definitely Jeff if he can get the time off. I'd love to get a couple of hotel rooms, a big ol' rented van ... I think we could turn it into a fantastic weekend.

If you want to go, we'd love to have you, but you're gonna have to pass our entrance exam first, and so help me GOD if you ask me if it's anything like the movie ...

Thank you, Benny from Aventura

2007-11-29T15:34:00.001-05:00

And they're like ... it's better than yours. Damn right ... it's better than yours. I could teach you ... but I'd have to charge.

I just don't get it ...

2007-11-29T13:40:00.001-05:00

I hate pop music, and I can't get enough of the song "Lip Gloss."

Music Videos - Lip Gloss

This song is arguably the most stupid song EVER made. There's no way in hell this required thought, effort or talent.

And yet, Lil' Mama is driving a Bentley and I'm working 50 hours a week.

I don't begrudge her for catching the break we all want, but I still don't get it. I think I'm officially getting old. It's finally happened. I'm ready to start watching "Match Game" re-runs and eating Swanson TV dinners.

Mmm. Salisbury steak.

Treats from the road!

2007-11-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

As I watch all of Season 3 of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on my iTunes, I found a few pics I took with my phone from the weekend. The bulk of the pics are on my other camera and I haven't gotten around to downloading them yet. I'll probably hold off until after the Pitt game Saturday.

This is "The Price Is Right" scratch-off ticket from the Pennsylvania Lottery, which was purchased from a machine at Johnnie's in downtown Johnstown, Pa. This ticket was $5 and has four ways to win. On the back it says the odds of winning are 1:4.32. Ladies and gentlemen, meet ".32." I didn't win a freakin' thing.

The sign outside the Cambria County War Memorial Building, home of ECHL team Johnstown Chiefs. For you movie freaks, the movie "Slap Shot" used the Johnstown team. In the movie, they were the Charlestown Chiefs. :)

If there's one thing the BlackBerry camera doesn't do that great, it's live action. I tried to take a picture of the Zamboni guy about 30 times and it never turned out much better than this. I want to drive a Zamboni for a hockey game at least once in my life. I'm absolutely fascinated by them. I'd like to clear the ice and then drive it to the Sheetz across the bridge. :)

The sun never sets on Hershey's Chocolate World. Julie and I stopped in here before we headed to Giant Center. We didn't get to do a regular tour, but I figure I'll be back at some point to do that. I'm willing to drive five hours to smell a town that smells like chocolatey goodness.

B-E-A-R-S BEARS! BEARS! BEARS! B-E-A-R-S BEARS! BEARS! BEARS! Giant Center, Hershey, Pa. Hershey Bears v. Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins. Giant Center is absolutely awesome. Not a bad seat in the place. Oh, and they sell pierogies at the concession stand. Pierogies!! I'm ready to be a season ticket holder.

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished, George changes the container the Hershey's Kisses came in from "Hershey's Chocolate World" to "Hershey's Chocolate Rain," to give props to Tay Zonday.

I'm alive ... swear!

2007-11-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

Things have been incredibly busy in the days following Thanksgiving.

In somewhat chronological order:

* Went to Johnstown, Pa., and watched the Johnstown Chiefs. I felt all "Slap Shot." It was awesome. Had dinner at a place called Johnnie's with some of the most real people I've ever met in my LIFE. Lost big time at Pennsylvania scratch-off tickets. (Screw you, Commonwealth!!) The liquor store worker said we could park by the bridge " 'n at."

* Went to Harrisburg, Pa., and checked into the Crowne Plaza where Julie and I decided we could move in. They give you a sleep mask, a sleep CD and lavender bed spray. I'm in love.

* Spent all day Saturday afternoon with Julie walking around Harrisburg, going to see the inside of their Capitol, taking pictures, walking to City Island, looking at leaves and molesting the newspaperman statute.

* Got pretty well acquainted with Harrisburg nightlife. Got a standing ovation from the wonderful bartending staff at The Firehouse on North Second Street for my knowledge of the lyrics of "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)." Suck it, Ed.

* If I don't get a Nintendo Wii soon, I'm gonna kill somebody.

* Saw my first ever Hershey Bears hockey game at Giant Center in Hershey. Went to chocolate world. Everybody asks if the town smells like chocolate. I couldn't smell. I was still sick. I'm now a huge Hershey Bears fan.

* Pennsylvania Turnpike: I still hate you. But I'm buying an EZ Pass to make our relationship better.

* Came back to work. New guy started! Woo!

* My divorce became final at 4 p.m. November 27. This wasn't easy. Or fun. It was sad. And it was like watching a movie of it happening. It didn't feel like it was happening when I was sitting there.

* Volleyball. Visit from Mom.

* Intent to go to the gym, but everybody is hellbent on feeding and watering me. I'm OK, I promise. Hot fudge cake isn't going to make me thin. And I've got two half-marathons to try to do next year!

... I think that's it. But I'll jump back into ye olde blogging game as soon as the dust clears.

Why I giant heart Nicole

2007-11-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

Because she sends me e-mails like this:

Shortly after this picture was taken, the turkey shouted 'death to america' and blew itself up. Four staffers were injured. Mr. Bush was last seen looking for cranberry sauce.

Turkey for me, Turkey for you ...

2007-11-21T12:19:00.000-05:00

Oh, let the games begin, kids, 'cause it's ON!

My Mom and Dad just got back from the massive trip to Witschey's grocery store (screw you, Wal-Mart ... HOMETOWN POWER!) with everything you could possibly need to eat yourself miserable.

Stuffing! Noodles! Green beans that will morph into a tasty-yet-artery-clogging casserole! My Mom's about to go get my Grandma, so there's gonna be ... PIE, bitches! PIE!

But don't get me wrong. As much as the former fat girl in me loves the Thanksgiving food, I'm most happy to see my friends and family that I often don't see. My friends Crystal and John and their kids, Angie and Mike are in town, my cousin Justin who lives in Charlotte that I've not seen in years, my cousin Jen and her husband -- and naturally, my sister and her husband and their kid.

And of course, local TV. Charleston's by far not the pinnacle of entertainment, but I'm laughing really hard at this commercial for a car dearler in New Martinsville who every year does "Buck Truck Fever." The premise of this deal, I shit you not, is "Buy a truck, get a gun."

I have no idea how they do that ... I've never asked, but I mean, you'd think there's some federal stuff tied up in that. Or else I'd be really, really scared. I mean, I know most of the people who live here. Less than 5 percent of them SHOULD have a gun in their possession.

But all in all, I'm very happy that it's 12:35 p.m. and I'm still in the clothes I went to bed in hours and hours ago! Granted, I'm not going to be ready to move when it's go time, so a shower wouldn't be a bad plan, but then again ... I'm on vacation! I'm on Jacque Standard Time.

The results are in: You're not superficial!

2007-11-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

In this week's poll question, I asked y'all:

Which would you rather have?

Here's how you voted:

A mate who's amazingly good looking, but a total idiot. (GOOSE EGG!)
A mate who's amazingly intelligent, but not much to look at. 27 percent (5 votes)
As Billy Joel said, "I just want someone that I can talk to." 13 votes (72 percent)

Thank you all for somewhat restoring my faith in humanity and proving, yet again, that Billy Joel has the answers for everything.

Oh, what the hell?! Now this?!

2007-11-19T18:43:00.000-05:00

Rest In Peace, Mr. Whipple.

Is there such thing as a "super strain"?

2007-11-19T18:29:00.000-05:00

I told Julie that I think I got some sort of super strain of cold because my trusted ally, NyQuil, isn't even helping me now. NyQuil is powerless against this cold.

I can't breathe. No matter what I do, I can't breathe. It's just not happening. I've got so much to do before I head out for Thanksgiving it's unreal, and here I type at 6:30 p.m. about to take a shower and go to bed so I can make it into work tomorrow.

I didn't work today. This might be my first sick day since I got my wisdom teeth out in 2005. I couldn't do it. I thought I could go in at noon, and I couldn't. I'm tired and weak now from putting on a hat to go to the store for cat food so my animal doesn't starve. Poor Inky. I mean, I think she could miss a meal or two, but she tends to be a far more agreeable creature with a full belly. (As I type this, she finished eating and she's curled up purring like she's the happiest cat in West Virginia ...)

But now, I give NyQuil a chance to NOT let me down again. I'd hate to have it fail me after such a long time together.

Tonight's program is brought to you by ...

2007-11-18T16:22:00.000-05:00

I feel like death. I'm not even kidding. Even though I had such an amazing time in Covington/Cincinnati, going on a trip like that and keeping the pace we did when you're already halfway to full-blown flu isn't the way to go.

Nevertheless, we're pressing on and having a show tonight because there won't be one next week. By the time 8 p.m. rolls around next Sunday, Julie and I are going to be center ice at a Hershey Bears game in Pennsylvania.

I could literally go to bed right this minute.

Hi! I'm in ... Covington!

2007-11-17T12:39:00.000-05:00

1. The Courtyard by Marriott in Covington, KY has lead curtains. I swear. We didn't know it was almost noon before we woke up.

2. New Martinsville is everywhere. Literally. First person we see at the hotel last night? Graduated two years before me.

3. Right next door? AWFUL WAFFLE!!!! :) Which is so calling our names, so I better get moving.

Go 'Eers. Go Blue. Go Nittany Lions.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

On the road in Ohio

2007-11-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

I'm in the back of Erinn and Mike's car as we head toward Cincinnati. We're about 60 miles away, and I've already laughed harder than I have in a while. :)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

First Song Friday (11-16-07)

2007-11-16T12:46:00.000-05:00

A new take on the feature -- featuring YouTube.

Today's pick is courtesy of the 1990s music channel on MusicChoice. I heart you, digital cable.

I can die happy. On Feb. 22.

2007-11-16T12:06:00.000-05:00

Feb. 21 -- Wachovia Center -- Philadelphia, PA

Me. And the FOO!

This is my first Foo Fighters concert. The first time I'll get to see them live! I'm so excited, I can't even hold it in. I've decided that February is the best month ever because it's got Groundhog Day, my birthday and Foo Fighters all in the same 29 days.

Prisoners have it better than you

2007-11-15T15:17:00.000-05:00

Note to self: When you get locked up for something unique, be lucky enough that you committed the crime in Clayton County, Ga.

Clayton prison requests satellite TV for inmates

By MEGAN MATTEUCCI
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 11/13/07
The latest management tool to settle prison squabbles could be "Monday Night Football."
The Clayton County Correctional Institution asked the County Commission on Tuesday to order DIRECTV for the Lovejoy prison.
Warden Frank Taylor Smith said inmates have been grumbling since "Monday Night Football" moved from ABC to ESPN.
"The reason is 'Monday Night Football' is now on cable," he said. "Although it might seem funny, when you have 90 percent of inmates watching something, it is a management tool for the institution."
The direct-broadcast satellite service — less than $100 a month — will be paid for from money collected at the prison's commissary and pay phones. Last year, the prison collected $41,000 from the inmate commissary and telephones but spent only a quarter of that money on inmate welfare, Smith said.
The 226 inmates housed in the facility's five dormitories now have the option of watching two channels, but half the time the reception is poor.
"It's a very routine thing. Every state prison has cable or DIRECTV," Smith said. "We have an antenna now."
Smith told the commission that all state prisons and 90 percent of county institutions have either cable or satellite TV.
However, Georgia Department of Corrections officials say that is not correct.
"No prisoners have DIRECTV. Television is a privilege," said Tracy Smith, a state corrections spokeswoman. "Our televisions have antennas."
The state pays a stipend to Clayton County to house inmates in the medium security prison, which serves as a work camp to provide labor for the county's public works, water authority, landfill and other departments. County officials say they save $1.4 million annually by using inmate labor.
The Clayton County Commission will vote on the DIRECTV proposal next week.

... what part of "you're in jail because you committed a crime and you don't deserve all of the things people who aren't in jail have" did I miss?

Only in my office ...

2007-11-15T14:22:00.000-05:00

... can two of my staff writers walk in from lunch -- one in an Elvis mask and one in a Paulie Walnuts looking mask -- and nobody bats an eye.

It was a great idea at the time!

2007-11-15T13:08:00.000-05:00

This came in the mail yesterday. It's just a shame that nobody's going to see it under the five other layers of clothes when Erinn and I go into Nippert Stadium Saturday night for the WVU-Cincinnati game.

I'm so excited for this trip! Erinn and Mike (her husband, whose blog you should read after this one by clicking HERE!) and I will leave on Friday and we'll eat at a restaurant you can read about here.

I'm taking my camera ... now that I've got the cord and I stopped being lazy ... to document the action. :)

Because who DOESN'T need some 1980s?

2007-11-14T21:04:00.000-05:00

Pretty much one of my favorite songs ... ever.

If I think about it long enough, it's this song and "This Is a Call" by Foo Fighters that got me so obsessed with drumming. I just finished watching this video, and the whole time, I'm drumming on my kitchen table.

I *heart* you, 1980s. Come back.

... Interesting.

2007-11-14T15:18:00.000-05:00

SiteMeter is fun.

I used to be overwhelmingly popular in Parkersburg by a CityNet user.

But yesterday, after I wrote about the screenplay Jo and I did, I stopped being popular in Parkersburg almost immediately.

I'm now overwhelmingly popular by a generic ISP in Houston, Texas, by a user with the exact same computer specs as whoever was in Parkersburg using CityNet. They're also very interested in the comments on the post about the screenplay.

But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. It's probably also a coincidence that someone's been on my show page with all of those exact same specs ... Total coincidence.

That's really the last I'm going to say about it.

I know you're doing it. You know you're doing it.

You hate me. I think you're pathetic.

I love that I don't have anything stopping me from calling you out anymore. You'd think that alone would be enough to make me uninteresting to you and you'd be patting yourself on your back enjoying your "prize," but it's clearly not enough.

But until you want to stop hiding behind your Internet veil and address me directly, you're not worth the time I've already put into you. You're spending hours a day on this blog. Literally. If you're investing that kind of time in me, you have time to come out from your anonymous, sad little world. I'm putting myself out here because I'm not a coward. You've never been anything but a coward. And jealous. And knowing what I do know about you, you're justified in your jealousy.

Sometimes, they write themselves!

2007-11-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

I got this as an e-mail survey from a friend of mine, and just decided to respond here, so hopefully she comes this way to see the anwers. :)

Are you happy with your given name? I like it in that it's unique with its spelling. I hate it in that people always trip over it or call me "Zhock."

What is your guaranteed weeping movie? I will cry almost every time at the end of "When Harry Met Sally." Sometimes, even the end of "Major League" makes me weepy.

What is the one thing you like to do alone? Exercise. Mostly running. I like running alone because it's' my time for me.

What’s a major fear or yours? Failure. I'm not really afraid of things, per se. I find some insects to be a little creepy, but that's it.

Are you a pyromaniac? I don't set stuff on fire on my desk anymore, so I'd say I'm over it!

Do you know anyone famous? Yeah!

Describe your bed. It's really soft. It's a sleigh bed, which I've always wanted. It's dark cherry wood. It has a ton of pillows and really good sheets and a soft comforter.

What type of character would you play in a movie? The wacky sidekick, naturally.

What do you carry with you at all times? BlackBerry and my wallet.

How do you eat an apple? Just eat it ... I mean, it's a self-contained food!

Do you prefer to stand out or blend in? I'm OK just being part of the scenery. That rarely happens.

What kind of first impression do you think you give people? I could only imagine. I would guess that "personable" is probably a prevalent choice.

Favorite communication method? Whatever I can do with my BlackBerry :)

What is your hidden talent? I'm good at making fleece tie blankets.

Do you own a Bible? Yes.

How many drinks before you’re tipsy? I'm Frank the Tank. It's a lot.

Do you have a problem changing clothes in front of friends? Nope.

What should you be doing instead of this? Probably working ... but we're off next week so I feel a little better in NOT working right now.

Who was the last person who called you? Julie, who's on her way back from Stonewall

Are you ready? For? A nap? Yeah. Pilates? Yeah. Some personal training sessions? Sure!

What is the last gift you gave someone? I gave my cousin a gift for her baby shower Saturday.

Does everything happen for a reason? You bet your ass it does.

What is your biggest headache lately? Friday. :( And everything that led up to Friday even happening.

What color is your bedroom? I'm a renter. It's white. At my old house it was a really pretty blue I picked out at Sherwin Williams when paint was dirt cheap.

Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Too nice, actually.

Have you ever pierced your own body part or that of someone else? No. They have state-licensed people to do things like that.

What kind of watch do you wear? A stainless steel one. It's hot.

What’s one car you will never buy? I don't think I'd ever buy a pickup truck. Nothing against them, but I can't see why I'd buy one for myself.

How many online journals do you read daily? A few ... I recommend you check on the ones to the right. :)

Do you cry in front of your friends? Yeah. Especially lately.

Would you die to save the life of someone you dearly love? Yes.

Do you have any married friends? Tons of 'em.

Do you like thunderstorms? I like to sleep during thunderstorms.

What was your first job? I shaved blocks of ice and made them into snow-cone like things at SnoBiz in New Martinsville.

What was the last thing you typed before this survey? I was writing back to Ben.

Who was your last IM to? I haven't IMed anybody today, so I'd say last night, it was Paige.

Favorite word lately? "Awesome."

What’s the strangest thing that’s happened to you in the past week? I don't know ... every day is kind of strange. Nothing sticks out.

You have a crush, don’t you? No. I actually, really don't.

Who? I said I don't!

What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? I'm fidgety. Very, very fidgety.

Do you talk a lot? Yes. I'm a communicator!

What do you typically order at a bar? Vodka and cranberry.

Name ONE trait you hate in a person. Unfounded arrogance.

Favorite writing utensil? Pilot G-2 Retractable pens. So smooth. So perfect.

What’s one thing you’re a loser at? Being patient.

When’s the last time you made someone cry? It's been about a month or so.

Do you like the rain? Only if I'm not running in it. Then it's OK.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? George. He's behind me. He asked me why I was against him.

What are your plans for the weekend? I'm going to Cincinnati with Erinn to watch the WVU-Cincinnati game.

How much money would it take for you to give up the Internet for a year? Can I have it on my BlackBerry? If not, I'd probably do it for a million dollars, but I mean, I couldn't work. My job depends on the Internets.

Where’s your ideal marriage location? Ha! This is easy! Punxsutawney, Pa., on Feb. 2 where they do the weddings by the Inner Circle members.

What do you cook the best? I'm very good at chili. Mmm. Chili.

What kind of books do you like to read? I like non-fiction and true crime books. I'm also fascinated by organized crime and the mafia.

If you win the lottery, what would you like to do? I'd pack it up and move somewhere new and just see what happened.

If you don’t like a person, how do you show it? Let me count the ways ...

How long have you known your best friend? It seems like my entire life. We had the same Kindergarten teacher, but she hated me then. We had the same sixth grade teacher, but she hated me then, too. I think she started to like me in eighth grade when she realized I knew how to do algebra. :)

What are you listening to? "The Long Walk Back" CD by Just Off Turner that I bought on iTunes.

What was the last thing you laughed at? George, who said that he was gonna give someone a "wet kiss" if "Daddy got his job done right today."

What do you wish you were doing right now? Napping, easily. I'm sleepy.

What musical instrument do you wish you could play? I wish I was better at the guitar.

What’s the funniest experience you ever had at your job? Oh, wow. That's hard to narrow down. I'm going to vote for the Danny Shock Collar Incident. If you want details, I could totally do a post JUST on that.

If you could speak any language, which language would you speak? Spanish. We're all going to need it soon, and I want to be ready. :)

What fingers did you use to answer this… RIGHT NOW? Um, the ones on my hands?

Are you going to save your results? It's a blog, man. It's done been saved.

I love you, YouTube.

2007-11-14T09:50:00.000-05:00

I don't need words for this.

Mistakes you make only once

2007-11-14T07:31:00.001-05:00

Today when I was carrying the trash out, I saw the bottom fall out of my neighbor's bag.

No, I didn't laugh. I really wanted to. It was almost coming out, but I felt bad for him because I've been there.

He had a white bag he was carrying out. The city of Charleston gives you garbage bags that are black, so I don't know if he was out or just not using them, but I mean, I use them because they're free and they don't suck.

But I started thinking ... buying cheap garbage bags is a mistake you make only once. While some mistakes you'll make over and over again, you learn that lesson really quickly.

What are some other ones? Feel free to add to this list ... I'm developing an idea here.

As I close in on 11 hours at work today ...

2007-11-13T19:28:00.000-05:00

My signature Demotivator really says it all at this point.

Old notebook, new laughter

2007-11-13T14:04:00.001-05:00

I found a notebook in a drawer today that's about 18 months old. In the notebook was a screenplay Jo and I started writing about a psycho who was going to kill me and carve "never again" into my chest and fill the wounds with glitter.

It was loosely based on reality -- I had somehow managed to consume a nearly 40-year-old woman who thought that I was stealing her "boyfriend." This total whack job even went so far as to create fake MySpace pages to communicate with him, thinking I'd somehow be too stupid to catch on. She bitched about me to him relentlessly about how I was "picking on her."

This probably wouldn't have been as much fun if he just would have told the truth about her from the beginning rather than "oh, she's a psycho stalker. You should ignore her or she could hurt you or me or both of us." (Hey ... HIS words. NOT mine.)

... right. Truth? No? Half-truth? No? OK.

Fortunately, I'm so far removed from that world even the memories are spotty.

However, for the afternoon entertainment that notebook brought, this post is dedicated to the glitter graphic, Jo in Miami, "Crazy" by Pasty Cline, Jesus and our hope that one day, even I will be in the Writers Guild of America so I can be on strike.

New music you'll like: Just Off Turner

2007-11-13T12:14:00.000-05:00

This band, in a single word, is great.

I learned about this band Friday night during The James Madison Show, a show I help co-host on Friday nights on TalkRadioX.

These guys are really personable, funny and passionate about what they do. It shows through their music. They released "The Long Walk Back" this year, and their album "End of Play" was released in 2002. My favorite song of theirs is the title track from "The Long Walk Back."

I don't know how these guys haven't exploded all over the national music scene, especially when crap bands like The Fray and All-American Rejects get airplay.

You can check out their music at their MySpace page or their site -- JustOffTurner.com. If you like what you hear, you can download their music from iTunes or buy the CDs from Amazon.com.

The results are in: We heart our opposite sex friends!

2007-11-13T09:53:00.001-05:00

In this week's survey of your brain, I asked:

Can a man and a woman simply be "just friends"?

Here's how you voted:

Yes! Some of my closest friends are of the opposite sex. -- 9 votes (50 percent)
I suppose, but 99 percent of the time, it's complicated. -- 8 votes (44 percent)
Nope. It's not possible. -- 1 vote (5 percent)

I'm curious about the one "no" vote, so if you're that vote and you want to share, I'd love to hear your experience. I voted yes, because it's true in my case ... P and Jeff are just two of many. They're dudes, but there's never been any sort of issue that came between us in terms of "should we ever go past this." I'd take a bullet for them. They'd take one for me.

My sister's best friend is a guy named Forsh. She's lucky to have him, because they really are separated at birth twins.

I'm not saying I've not run into the situation where I became really close friends with a male and it got complicated -- I lost an entire year, maybe longer, of my four years at WVU to it, and it lingered on for another three. You learn from it. You live. You go on.

Well, this explains it!

2007-11-13T08:58:00.000-05:00

(Note to readers: That thing below -- yeah, that's the body I got cursed with. No matter how many miles I run, no matter how many squats I do, no matter how many Pilates classes I take, that doesn't change. Today's events, however, have led me to perhaps embrace my lot in life, because current scientific research answers a lot of my questions. HELL YEAH!!)

From today's New York Post ...

The Wider Gals' Hips, The Higher Their IQ: Report

Who's a bowling pin genius? WHO??

Or ... what has two thumbs and looks like a bowling pin but is real smart?

THIS GIRL!!

Freaking real(ity) TV

2007-11-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

So, I'm fascinated by this show I'm watching on A&E right now called "Intervention." Basically, the premise is they focus on someone with an addiction and then they follow them from the beginning, to the intervention, to treatment, etc.

Right now I'm watching this girl named Cristy who wanted to be a fashion designer, but got all addicated to crystal meth and alcohol and now she's a stripper. Her sister just came to try to make her eat lunch and she was so messed up she ended up beating her sister -- all of this while naked. In a house that looked like a hurricane had been through it and she was just living in the piles.

I don't know, really, what it's like to be in a situation where you have a family member who's so bad off that you have to just swoop in and haul them off to the rehab. I never had an immediate family member who was addicted to hard drugs ... it's all normal, run of the mill stuff.

So, as fascinated as I am, I'm sad. I can't imagine something having that kind of control over you. I make jokes about meth all the time (because it's a HUGE problem where I live) by saying that if it didn't make you ugly, I'd be all over it to make me thin, but after seeing this, I sort of feel bad for saying it.

And then there's the part of me that's wrestling with why I'm watching it. I mean, it's somewhat educational and I'm learning something, but then again, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life blow up for the sake of entertainment.

I've had a rough couple of days, so I think it goes back to the, "Well, it's nice to know that somebody's worse off than you, Jacque." I mean, isn't that why we watch "Maury" or "Jerry Springer"? There's part of us that likes to know that somewhere, someone's having a worse day than you are.

But it's kind of sad. I can't even imagine just drinking vodka like it's bottled water, and that's what she's doing. She's just drinking it right out of the bottle. It blows my mind.

Christmas IS only six weeks away

2007-11-12T15:51:00.001-05:00

This is on the list.

This guy ...

Is ... a freakin' beast. In the last 45 seconds of the game Saturday night against the Devils, he probably had five saves to keep them from tying it. Out of my long-standing tradition of goalie love, Rick DiPietro's been it for the past couple of years.

Tonight's game is against the Flyers, which as much as I love Philadelphia, I'll be going against them tonight. :) (Sorry, Ang. But the next time the Islanders are in town, I totally need to come over and we can go!!)

That's right ... sadly, my interest in football is waning now that hockey's getting into full swing. Julie and I are even going on a semi-pro hockey tour in two weeks. Maybe it's my Canadiophilia ...

Truth through art

2007-11-12T15:48:00.001-05:00

Just so you know, it's not out of the realm of possibility that something very similar to this has happened with my friends and me. I, of course, would be the one holding the flame thrower.

We have a lot of great ideas ... it's a shame most of them suck.

Happy birthday, Angie!!

2007-11-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

The beautiful girl on the left is celebrating her birthday today in Philadelphia. I'm unfortunately not in Philadelphia today to help her, but I think she knows that I'm there in spirit. This picture was from her bachelorette party March 31, 2007.

Happy birthday to someone who really has seen it all with me and never left my side through any of it. You are simply the best, ever.

And I hope you at least go buy a cute coat today or something ... Maybe hang out with Lord Hauser. :)

So if you're one of my readers and inclined, leave Angie some birthday love!

First Song Friday (11-09-07)

2007-11-09T09:15:00.000-05:00

Oh, kids. If this morning's pick is any indication, today could be off the charts in fantastic.

Today's pick, courtesy of the 1980s Music Choice channel on my digital cable provided by Suddenlink, a company for which I am like a battered wife.

The first song I heard today is, "We Built This City" by Starship. A song, by most accounts (including this one where Blender magazine named it pretty much the worst song ever), that represented all that was wrong with pop music, even though the song railed against it.

For your singalong pleasure:

We Built This City

Chorus:
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Say you don't know me or recognize my face
Say you don't care who goes to that kind of place
Knee deep in the hoopla, sinking in your fight
Too many runaways eating up the night

Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Chorus:
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Someone always playing corporation games
Who cares they're always changing corporation names
We just want to dance here, someone stole the stage
They call us irresponsible, write us off the page

Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street
Police have got the choke hold, oh then we just lost the beat

Who counts the money underneath the bar
Who rides the wrecking ball in two rock guitars
Don't tell us you need us, cos were the ship of fools
Looking for America, coming through your schools

(I'm looking out over that Golden Gate Bridge
Out on another gorgeous sunny Saturday, not seein' that bumper to bumper traffic)

Don't you remember ('member)('member)

(what's your favorite radio station, in your favorite radio city
The city by the bay, the city that rocks, the city that never sleeps)

Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

(we built, we built this city) built this city (we built, we built this city)

I makes me wish my open fingered gloves were here already!!

'Your next wedding invitation ...'

2007-11-08T13:54:00.000-05:00

My friend Amber makes me laugh really hard. She sent this to me. She said she anticipates this is in my future.

Give it up, bro

2007-11-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

Julie sent me a story from Newsweek online today about -- man boobs.

Not a tasty post-lunch treat, that's for sure. But it's kind of interesting.

Most of us would naturally presume that man boobs show up because you get fat. And while yeah, that's true, it's not just because you're packing it on, it's because of the estrogen that extra fat brings with it. I was fascinated.

Anyway, if you're interested, you can read the entire article here. It's actually pretty interesting, but I'm a science geek. And it contains the pop-culture "Seinfeld" reference to the "bro."

Ten more simple rules to live by

2007-11-08T10:05:00.000-05:00

My friend Amber sent me a story today from the London Daily Mail. A mafia Godfather was arrested in Sicily, and when they took him into custody, they found the Ten Commandments of mafioso.

It's always good to be more informed than less informed, you know.

The 10 'Mafiosi' commandments are:

1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.

2. Never look at the wives of friends.

3. Never be seen with cops.

4. Don't go to pubs and clubs.

5. Always be available for Cosa Nostra, even if your wife's about to give birth.

6. Appointments must be respected.

7. Wives must be treated with respect.

8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.

9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.

10. People who can't be part of Cosa Nostra are anyone with a close relative in the police, with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn't hold to moral values.

Ooof. I'm gonna have a problem with 3, 4 and 6 ...

Reason No. 1,724 why I love the New York Post

2007-11-08T09:32:00.000-05:00

Excellence in headline writing, served fresh daily.

giggle

2007-11-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

I'm so ordering this shirt for myself on Friday when I get paid. Especially since it's 'Surfolk' County Public Schools. And it's 1987.

Personally, I celebrate the man's entire catalog

2007-11-07T13:21:00.000-05:00

Although he wasn't talking about the same Michael, Bob Slydell in "Office Space" definitely said it best.

But I don't celebrate Michael Bolton.

I celebrate Michael McDonald.

To me, it doesn't get any better than when he sings, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

And, yes. I own BOTH Motown CDs.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Jacque ... that man ruined the Doobie Brothers. He destroyed an American institution."

You call this destroying?

That is musical magic. Much like Ricky Bobby in "Talledega Nights," when Michael McDonald wakes up in the morning, he pisses excellence.

Excellence like this gem from the 1986 movie, "Running Scared."

I know what you're thinking.

"Jacque, that movie is great on its own. It didn't need a song to make it better! It's got Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines for the love of God."

You ... would be wrong. That song makes the perfect compliment to an already fantastic flick.

Play that YouTube vid and you try to tell me you're not chair dancing -- even a little. It's impossible. The power of Michael compels you. You can't sit there with a frown when "Sweet Freedom" starts to play. You'll be humming it and realizing that all of those times you thought that genius destoryed the Doobie Brothers, you were very, very wrong.

The Dead Neighbor Proxy

2007-11-07T10:12:00.000-05:00

Seeing this post about the word "vajayjay" on my friend Jim's blog this morning reminded me of one of my life-governing principles.

Sure, I've got the life-governing principles on men.

1. Don't trust a man with two first names, or a man who has a first name for a last name.
2. Don't trust a man with a standalone mustache.
3. Don't trust a man who has, or had (and found it to be the pinnacle of fashion) a mullet.
4. Don't trust a man who wears douchebag sunglasses.
5. Don't trust a man who uses more styling products than you do.

But one of my other life-governing principles involves this woman. Oprah.

Maybe it's not JUST Oprah, but she is the most powerful vehicle for the proxy.

Oprah is a very, very powerful woman.

In token, most American women are sheep.

Oprah puts her "O" on a book, and millions of people run to the closest Barnes and Noble, Wal-Mart, Target, grocery store, flea market and what-have-you to buy a copy.

Oprah says, "Ham will make you lose weight! I love ham!" and no grocery store in suburbia has ham on the shelves.

Oprah says, "Stripes are the hot fashion this season" and every woman you pass who isn't in a velvet track suit is wearing stripes of various widths and colors.

Oprah says, "HEEEEEYYYYY! LAAAADIEEEES!! GO KILL YA' NAAAAAY-BOR!!" and I swear to GOD as I sit here, there would be dead neighbors all over the United States. Everywhere you went, there would be dead neighbors.

All because of the power she wields. Hence the "Dead Neighbor Proxy." This, naturally, leads me to label her as a terrorist. I have middle-aged women in my neighborhood. I'm a moving target.

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not just Oprah's fault. It's her legion of militant, sheep-like followers that are equally at fault. It's not going to be Oprah that kills me by poisoning my banana bread with strychnine. It's going to be the sweet older lady who lives two townhouses down from me. It could be my mother or my sister, who are both HUGE, HUGE Oprah devotees. I can't tell you how many times I've been handed a book because, "I saw it on Oprah," or had a story start out with, "I was watching Oprah today after work, and ..."

But I am wearing stripes today. Not because Oprah told me. Because I haven't worn this shirt yet and I got it for $1.99 at New York and Co.